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Greg's Journal
See August 25, 2002
Middle of October, 2001 – I had what I thought was a cold.
Around October 18, 2001 – I bruised my left
thigh and right calf.
October 23, 2001 – Both of the bruises are
getting quite large and there is bruising where my boots tie and my holster
rubs.
October 24, 2001 – Dr. Safarian saw my bruises, did a check-up on me, and sent me
packing. I was medevac’d to Muscat,
Oman. A blood test in Oman revealed
that my white blood cells are at 27,000.
I was diagnosed with a viral infection affecting my legs.
October 25, 2001 – Today I was medevac’d
via C-130 to a Bahrain military hospital.
My white blood cells are at 78,000 and my platelets are very low.
October 26, 2001 – I received a platelet
transfusion today and I felt very tired.
I was notified by the doctor that the diagnosis was Leukemia.
I took the news O.K. and I set up for my transfer to Germany.
October 27, 2001 – I got on a C-9 Medevac
to Landstuhl, Germany. I arrived and
entered through the Emergency room. I
had blood work and multiple exams done.
October 28, 2001 – I had exams all day
today and, of course, more blood work done.
They put an IV in. The
Oncologist, Dr. Avery, confirmed the diagnosis of Leukemia. I was also set up for a medevac to Walter Reed Army Medical Center in
Washington D.C.
October 29, 2001 – The C-17 flight today
was to Andrews AFB, MD. I was transferred
by ambulance and driven to WRAMC and checked in. Last cigarette.
October 30, 2001 – Tina arrived today. I had more blood work and a bone biopsy done today. Hurts like
hell. I got settled into my room.
October 31, 2001 – The procedures,
treatments, and side effects were explained to us by Drs. Brooks and
Belford. Today my parents called. I got to spend the night at the Mologne House with
Tina. I have an appointment to have my Hickman installed tomorrow.
November 1, 2001 – Well today I had a small
fever. They took x-Rays of chest. The appointment that I had for the Hickman
installation got postponed until tomorrow.
November 2, 2001 – Day 1 of chemo – The Hickman was finally installed
today and the Chemotherapy was started.
I had Ara-C infused. It will be
a 7/3 regimen; 7 days of Ara-C followed
by 3 days of single-dose Idarubicin.
I've had no noticeable change in my appetite. My parents and oldest brother’s family arrived this morning and
my younger brother and his wife will get in tonight.
November 3, 2001 – Day 2 of chemo – Again, very little noticeable
effects. My red blood cells are low so
I was given 3 bags. I felt good for a
majority of the day but I am starting to fatigue more than usual but it’s not
attributed to the chemo. The spot where I got my bone biopsy keeps oozing and
it is really bruised because I am so low on platelets. My fevers are starting to creep up. They gave me something tonight to help me
sleep.
November 4, 2001 – Day 3 of chemo – I was told today that the type of AML I have is M1. I had platelets transfused today. The IV in my left hand caused severe burning. As it turns out it was installed incorrectly (bent needle). Major fever today (103.9°). Throughout the evening and night I was given multiple blood and urine cultures. They have found no infections that might have caused the fever but I was placed on antibiotics just in case. I got no sleep. Because of the fever, I was worked up by nurses throughout the night.
November 5, 2001 – Day 4 of chemo – Did not sleep much due to another
temperature. Vital signs and blood were
taken to check for infection. I noticed
a metallic taste in my mouth, a distinctive odor in my urine, and I got the
hiccups and they won’t go away. We
scheduled a sit-down with Dr. Brooks and the family at 1:00 p.m. so that the
family could ask any and all questions that they may have. My brothers and parents all gave their blood
for HLA testing. It’s 3:00 p.m. and I just spiked another fever (102.3°). They gave me Tylenol and Cefapine which
worked well. At 5:15 my temperature is
98.1°.
November 6, 2001 – Day 5 of chemo – I woke up several times due to sweat. My entire body was soaking wet. I ate a little bit for breakfast. I got a shower and changed my linen. I feel good so far, no fevers yet. They say that there’s not enough output (urine), I’m drinking too much and my body's not getting rid of it. I’ll try to slow down. The only things bothering me today are a sore jaw, a sore butt from the bone biopsy, a sore chest from the Hickman, and a very dull headache. My oldest brother and his wife left today and my youngest brother is leaving tomorrow.
November 7, 2001 – Day 6 of chemo – They infused platelets and red
blood cells today. I still haven’t had
any reactions. No fevers and no
problems noticed. I went down to the
cafeteria for dinner. It was a good day.
November 8, 2001 – Day 7 of chemo – It’s been a good morning so far. My red blood cell counts are good. My white blood cell count is still dropping. I ate breakfast (eggs and sausage) in the room then went down to the cafeteria. We went outside for a little while and I took a short nap around noon. My temperature, blood pressure, and pulse are all normal (98°, 121/71, 73).
November 9, 2001 – Day 8 of chemo – I started bleeding from my
Hickman this morning but everything else is normal so far. It’s my last day of Cytarabine (Ara-C). The Oncologist did a checkup. I got my first Idarubicin
shot. All is good so far.
November 10, 2001 – Day 9 of chemo – I Received my second shot of Idarubicin today. Still no side effects noticed. My Cytogenics test came back today. I have a chromosome anomoly (translocation t(8;21)) which raises my chances of complete remission.
November 11, 2001 – Day 10 of chemo – Today is the final dose of my
induction chemotherapy. I’m starting to
feel rough. Maybe I will be able to
sleep through the bad stuff.
November 12, 2001 – Happy
Birthday to me. I am 30 today and
don’t even have the wherewithal to enjoy it.
Tina, my parents, and my niece came over with a cake and I barely
remember eating any of it but they have pictures to prove it. I mentioned that I thought that I could get
some ice cream down so they got me an ice cream cake. I am definitely feeling rough today. I'm throwing up and sleeping today but I still haven’t lost any hair.
November 13, 2001 – I wasn’t throwing up today, I was just tired and my stomach hurt, mostly from throwing up so much yesterday. My old boss, Jim Crum, stopped by. Hopefully he will be able to come back by because I was only up to company for about 45 minutes and Tina was sick in bed so she didn’t get to see him at all. I haven't been able to eat anything.
November 14, 2001 – My GI tract is screwed up and there is a pain behind my sternum with flashes of pain. I’m still not eating. Colonel Leonik had some business nearby so he came by with gifts from Florida. 6 of the guys that I work with all shaved their heads. I'm still coughing up everything I eat.
November 15, 2001 – I’m feeling better, but
I’m raw from my stomach to my throat. I
am getting a sonogram today to see if what I have is an infection because I had
a fever this morning. I still have all
of my hair.
November 16, 2001 – I felt bad again today. Still not able to hold any food down.
November 17, 2001 – My parents left today so Tina is here alone. I am feeling a little better than I did yesterday even though my counts fell a little.
November 19, 2001 – Since I’ve been sleeping all day most days, my nights have been pretty restless so yesterday I decided to stay up all day. Of course I got a fever last night and they kept me up all night running tests looking for an infection. My oldest brother, Dave, is a match for me, just in case I need a Bone Marrow Transplant. A representative from the Jeff Gordon Foundation called today. She is going to stop by this weekend. We are now waiting for my counts to rise.
November 20, 2001 – My counts dropped this morning but are rising again. The BIG news of the day…I got a phone call from Jeff Gordon. My younger brother, Rick, set it up for me. I got blood and platelets today.
November 21, 2001 – My WBC count is back down to .1.
November 23, 2001 – My hair is finally coming out and, this morning,
my white count was at .6. They re-took
the blood sample and it came back .2.
They are giving me crap about taking potassium pills but the pills are
too big for me to get down.
November 24, 2001 – My white count is still at .2. I’m picking at the hair in my beard which is making it patchy and the hair on my head looks no different but feels thinner. Christy Parrack came by today. She is actually from the Marrow Foundation. She is very nice. She definitely didn't have to come by here but she took time out of her weekend to visit a stranger.
November 25, 2001 and November 26, 2001 – Still .2
November 27, 2001 – My white count went up to .3 last night but is now back down to .2.
November 28, 2001 – My white count is up to .3. I spiked a fever and have pains in my diaphragm area and my side by my liver and lung. I will start getting Amphoterican (I feel terrible) until my counts come back up.
November 29, 2001 – My white count is back to .2 but my hemoglobin count is up which is a good sign. I had a fever all day so they ran tests. I am working on eating.
November 30, 2001 – My white count is back up to .3
today but my platelet count is down. My
feet are swollen. They did a CT scan last night, an EKG during the afternoon, and a bronchoscopy
this evening (which they gave me Ativan for).
It turns out that everything is fine.
December 1, 2001 – My white count went up to .4 last
night and stayed. The Ativan from last
night made me sleep most of the day today.
I have been eating and drinking what I can keep down.
December 2, 2001 – I went back down to .3 last night.
December 3, 2001 – I’m went up to .4 last night and
back down to .3 this morning.
December 4, 2001 – My white count went up to .4 but came back down to .3. Other than talking to the doctors, I’m sleeping.
December 5, 2001 – Point 5
December 6, 2001 -- My count stayed at .5 and the
docs are talking about doing a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow.
December 7, 2001 – They did the biopsy this morning and Tina videotaped it. My white count went up to .6 last night.
December 8, 2001 – The preliminary results from the
biopsy came back and look good but the actual numbers won’t be in until Monday.
December 9, 2001 – Christy Parrack, the woman from
the Marrow Foundation came to visit again and brought Tina to Taco Bell to get
me some soft tacos. I was able to eat
the inside out of the tacos but that was better than I have been doing. My white count is .7.
December 10, 2001 – Less than 5% blasts (2%) which
is what we were hoping for. My medevac
flight to Keesler in Biloxi, MS is
scheduled for early Sunday morning.
They have found an accepting doctor for me at Keesler. I got to move into the big room for my last
couple of days here. My white count is
up to .9 this evening.
December 12, 2001 – My white count finally got to 1.0 yesterday and
stayed.
December 13, 2001 – Tina’s leaving today. My counts are soaring.
December 17, 2001 – I’m finally leaving Washington today. Tina, her dad, and his girlfriend are coming over to get me so that I can go home for a few days.
December 25, 2001 – We spent Christmas week with the family in Biloxi and came home today. I went and did a couple of blood tests while I was in Biloxi and one of the times I actually had to get a bag Potassium.
January 1, 2002 – We will be heading to Biloxi today
for my appointment tomorrow morning.
January 2, 2002 – First 2 infusions of chemo – They will check me in tonight to start the chemo. I won't have to have another biopsy any time soon. This round will be different because it is consolidation chemo which is high-dose chemo, six infusions into my Hickman. For the first batch, I will get one infusion tonight at 7:00 p.m. and one infusion tomorrow morning at 7:00 a.m. After waiting around my room, we discussed leaving the hospital since my next dose wouldn't be until tomorrow night. The doc said that it would be o.k. but he didn't like the idea of me staying the night away so I will spend my days at the TLF with Tina. Amazingly, I got the hiccups again. The docs last time said that they didn't attribute them to chemo but I'm beginning to wonder. It's just too much of a coincidence.
January 3, 2002 – I'm feeling totally normal except for the hiccups. It's just not normal.
January 5, 2002 – Second 2 infusions of chemo – I got my second dose last night and this morning and am free for another day and a half.
January 7, 2002 – Third 2 infusions of chemo – I got my last dose last night and this morning. One round of the consolidation chemo is done. Now we just wait for my counts to drop and come back up so that we can go home.
January 8, 2002 – Today I learned how to give myself the Neupogen shots. The doctor said that my counts are good enough that he is giving me tomorrow off. (Pic of Neupogen Shot)
January 10, 2002 – I am finally neutropenic. Now we wait for my counts to come back up. Hopefully it won't take as long as last time since I'm taking the Neupogen shots.
January 12, 2002 – Today I spent most of the day at the hospital getting RBCs and platelets. My stomach feels a little weird but that's about it. Also, I noticed on the potassium bottle that it says the pills can be dissolved in water if they are too big to swallow. I wish that I'd known that in November. The doctor has given me tomorrow off.
January 13, 2002 – I had the day off today. No blood work, no hospitals, and no doctors or nurses. I can’t tell you how good that feels to not have to go through my “routine”. My Oncologists, Dr. Turner and Dr Dice, are both very good. I feel very fortunate to be in such capable hands. I want to kind of review what’s happened in the hope that someone else out there who gets this terrible disease will learn something or just gain a better understanding of the road ahead. When I was diagnosed with AML nearly 3 months ago, I took the news pretty well. Those who know me know I’ve never been a shy person or one to take things passively. When I was told I had Leukemia, I asked “how’d I get it, and how do I get rid of it!” Chemo is pretty bad stuff, but not as bad as the alternative. My induction chemo was the absolute pits but it does get better. HiDAC (High dosage ARA-C) chemo isn’t as bad and, after a while, you develop a routine of blood tests, blood transfusions, and platelet transfusions. I do look forward to the day that this will all seem like a memory. For the most part, you can lead a mostly normal life with a few precautions. The problem is that there is always one word hanging over your head…relapse! This term will make you physically and psychologically ill. My physical condition is progressing well, I am putting my weight back on (I lost 32 pounds during induction chemo…I’ve gained 10-15 back). My psychological condition has gone through several peaks and valleys. The peaks have been almost entirely due to the support of my family and friends (especially my saving grace…my lovely wife Tina!) How did I get so lucky? I guess God has his angels! Then there are the valleys. Everyone goes through periods of despair and self doubt and I’m no exception. My mind gets going when I’m not feeling well and I wonder what the future holds. It is SO scary receiving what you perceive as a death sentence. You try to be strong for your family, but it’s pretty easy to almost give up at certain times. I keep thinking about throwing up all the time after the first round of Chemo (mid-November). It was a miserable time for me. I could not even go for a walk without feeling sick. I’m glad to see those days behind me. With strength returning, I worry about my military career. My life for the past 12 years has been my family and my job. I honestly feel so lucky to be a part of the military family that I consider the 16 SOW. For those that work with me, I guess the “workaholic” would be used to describe me. Suddenly, it’s all gone. I’m not allowed to fly right now and I can’t plan military exercises or deploy on contingencies (when I was medically evacuated in October, I had to be ordered to leave). When the military deploys, it takes a little bit to get everyone on the same sheet of music. There are so many moving pieces and so much is changing, it’s chaotic. I live for those moments. When the chaos is at its peak, training and personalities take over and I was just getting going. Those first few days deployed set the stage for everything that happens. At least I was fortunate enough to have been a part of that. The military is not like any civilian company when it comes to family emergencies. When I was being medically moved from Germany to Walter Reed Army Medical Center, the 16 SOW was busy contacting my wife, making sure she was OK, and arranging for her to fly from Florida to Washington. Phone calls from my bosses (Thank You Col. Ediger and SMSgt Dan McMullan) assuring me that everything else would be OK are of great comfort during the confusion. I owe the 16 SOW so much for helping me when I needed it most. Now, I am eager to get back to work to repay that debt. It will be at least 2-3 months before I can return with any sense of normalcy. I hope to start flying again in July (there are a lot of waivers required for me to fly again). All of these things affect my psychological wellness ( I can’t believe I just said wellness!) I will continue to draw strength from my family and friends, and hope the peaks replace the valleys. Now I have to go and pay up a bet (My boss bet me I couldn’t make it the whole journal without babbling on about something!)
January 13, 2002 – Pretty easy day today. Did the morning routine of blood work and the hospital waiting game. Dr Dice was happy with the counts, so I’m off until tomorrow. WBCs are at .4 and my Neutrophils are at 0.0%. I’m no expert, but that sounds like one suppressed immune system! I am trying to take care of everything, an infection for me is BAD news right now. Washing hands and alcohol pads are the norm for a little while longer. Spirits are still high.
January 17, 2002 – Finished with the hospital for the day. My platelet count was only 8,000 (150,000-400,000 is normal) so I received a bag of platelets. Everything else is going as planned but I’m still getting anxious because I’ve been neutropenic (lack of germ fighting cells) for a week. I hope that I start recovering soon. I’ve been very fortunate this round as I’ve been able to eat pretty much everything. When I was in Walter Reed, I could not eat due to the Mucositis (Chemo makes the cells in your mouth break down and this “sloughing” of cells and tissue causes some pretty big issues with swallowing and digestion of food. Mucositis is the term they use for this sloughing.) This time, we were prepared with soup and soft foods, but I haven’t needed to go that route. (I still ate the soup!). When I lost all the weight, I was worried about my appetite, but let me tell you that when it returned, I started eating everything I could. I ate 4-5 times a day and had snacks in between each meal. My appetite has pretty much returned to normal, but I do get hungry more often. Side effects for this last round of Chemo have been relatively mild (knock on wood). The problem is that every little thing you feel you think is a side effect. All is still well and sprits are high.
January 18, 2002 – Finished up at the hospital early
today. Dr Dice is giving me tomorrow
off! It’s always good when you get a
day off. Counts are creeping back up,
my WBCs are up to .8. That doesn’t mean
much to you, but it’s a big deal to me.
WBCs (white blood cells) contain neutrophils,
lymphocytes, eosinophils, basophils,
and monocytes. These cells control your immune system as well as a host of other
duties in your muscles and organs. We
watch all of these counts very closely.
It’s strange; four months ago I was concerned about Taliban and Al Qaeda
forces, now I’m looking for cells in my blood.
Isn’t it strange how life’s priorities change? Family and faith in God take on a whole new meaning. I am anxious to get back to work, even if
it’s only for a few weeks. My next
round of Chemo starts around February 15th, so the longer it takes
my counts to come up, the shorter my time at home.
January 19, 2002 – Off day! Nothing to do but lie on the couch and watch football. Tina has been great with both this website and keeping the place clean. I think I'll capitalize on this Neutropenic thing! It gets me out of doing laundry and washing dishes. I don't think that it'll work much longer! I am now doing my blood work in our room. I get up in the morning, draw blood, take it to the lab, take my pills (7 in the morning...Aciphax, Diflucan, Acyclovir, Multi-Vitamin, Magnesium, Potassium, and Levaquim), eat breakfast, then go to the clinic. My evenings consist of dinner, more pills (6 in the evening...basically the same as the morning minus Levaquim), my Neupogen shot (I still HATE giving myself shots), and getting ready for the next day. Every 4-5 days, I need platelets, RBCs (red blood cells), or both. These are long days. When you get either platelets or RBCs, they take your temperature and your vital signs (blood pressure, heart rate, and pulse) every 15 minutes. It takes 2-3 hours per bag of RBCs and about an hour for platelets. Needless to say, I hate getting them because I don't like to spend any more time than necessary in the hospital. 2 bags of RBCs and a bag of platelets usually spell at least 8 hours in the hospital. The reason I'm rambling is I'll probably need both tomorrow, so I'm planning on a long day!
January 21, 2002 – Great day today! My WBCs have risen sharply and my platelets are coming back. If all goes well, we should be able to leave tomorrow. I am not giving myself Neupogen shots anymore and did not need the platelet transfusion. Thanks again to everyone for all of the emails. At one point, I was getting around 45 emails per day. I just ran out of time to respond, so if I did not respond I'm sorry. The website has pretty much answered most of the questions everyone asks. It is very reassuring to know we have so many friends concerned about us. Thanks again to everyone for the kind words and your continued prayers.
January 22, 2002 – We are home! I went to the clinic for my blood results
and all was well so they told me to go home.
I had a few strange cells in my blood work (NRBC, Metamyelocytes, and Toxic Granulation) but the doctors tell me
this is normal for me due to the chemo and Neupogen shots. It feels good to be home and the dogs are
happy to see us. There is a quote that
says “I wish I was half the person my dog thinks I am”. How true!
The best medicine is being home.
January 23, 2002 –
Blood work looked good today. I
called Dr. Turner in Biloxi with the results and I am now waiting for him to
get back to work to go over them with me.
Hopefully, he is as happy as I am about how things are going so
far. Got the back yard cleaned up and
sold the wave runner today. It’s a
bummer getting rid of the wave runner, but I can’t go out during this anyway. Oh well, it accelerates the prospect of
moving to our new house which should happen this spring.
January 25, 2002 – Did blood work again today. Dr Turner called from Keesler. He’s very happy with my progress and wants me to start the next round a week early. I’ll start chemo again on 4
Feb 02. Mixed feelings on this one, it’s good to get started so I get done earlier, but I lose a week at home. I am feeling great and hope this good fortune continues throughout the treatment. An upset stomach and an itchy eye summed up the last round. I guess all the prayers are paying off so far. I really believe that attitude has a lot to do with it. Your attitude may not cure you, but it will help you and those around you regardless of the prognosis. A quick side note, if you look at any of the charts, move your cursor over the subject (example: WBC) and it will explain what that subject is. Tina is so creative! She is my rock (but don’t tell her that, she’s getting a big head from all you people!) I have next week off! No blood work or hospitals. I’ll continue this journal next weekend when I get back to Keesler. Thanks again to all for you continued prayers as I think they’re working.
February 3, 2002 – Well, I’m back at Keesler AFB, MS again. This time to start my 2nd cycle of HiDAC (3rd overall Chemo treatment). I have to say that I am not having an easy time with this one. I am feeling good and my blood counts are good, so I don’t feel like getting sick again. I know that it’s a small “investment” to make for my future, but it is still quite difficult to start all over again. It seems like I just finished. Last week was great, seeing everyone at work and getting back into a routine. Oh well, I guess it’s for the best. Let’s see what tomorrow brings. I am missing Tina pretty bad already, as she won’t be coming out here for a little while. She gives me strength when I need it. Tomorrow will be better.
February 4, 2002 – First 2 infusions of chemo – As I write this, the first bag of Cytarabine (ARA-C) is going in. This one should be done in about 20 minutes. One down, five to go! I’m ready to get this round finished and I’ve only just begun. My counts looked really good today, which makes knowing that they will crash again twice as difficult. Oh well, I’ve got to keep a positive attitude. Spirits are OK but will get better as the routine gets going.
February 5, 2002 – Well, 2 infusions down, 4 to go. The first two went well. I can tell that I have been given the infusions as my stomach notices the change. No pain or discomfort, just a different feeling. As the doses continue, my stomach will react a little more (I’m guessing based on last time). I feel pretty good and the steroids (decadron) will cause an increase in my appetite. My spirits are picking up and my anxiety is dropping as we’re underway again. I have the stinking hiccups again. They don’t list them as a side effect, but trust me, they are. All three rounds of chemo have given me the hiccups up front. Thanks again to everyone for the emails and calls as they really do help with motivation. I am ready to get this week behind me and play the neutropenic game for the next few weeks.
February 6, 2002 – Second 2 infusions of chemo – I’m finishing yet another bag of Cytarabine right now. Seems to be going well so far. After I finish this one, it’ll be 3 down with 3 to go. I’ll get bag 4 in the morning. I am starting to get back into the routine of this again. Those darn hiccups sure seem to be around again. They drive me nuts. My counts are consistent with the last round. For anyone going through this ordeal, I would highly recommend getting to know your blood. It all seems so confusing at first, but Tina and I monitor my blood very closely now and can tell if something is out of the normal range. Tina is quite smart on all of the blood work. The blood differential is the most important page. Neutrophils and the rest can tell you quite a bit about your body and it’s capabilities. Everyone should ask their doctor or nurse for a printout of their blood work to include CBC w/Diff, Chem 7 or 10, and CAMP. These will give you great insight into your body and how it is functioning. Remember, no one cares about you more than you.
February 7, 2002 – 2/3 of the way done, then the games begin. My counts are starting to drop and everything is going as planned. I noticed my Red Blood Cells are damaged (as normal). I can tell because Anisocytosis, Schistocytes, and Hypechromic readings have appeared in my blood work. I will take it easy the rest of the day and continue to draw on the strength of my family and friends (as Fr. Nolan says) throughout the world. I am, truly, very fortunate to have so much support. One more thing, Christy from The Marrow Foundation sent us another wonderful gift. As Tina said, it’s an autographed Jeff Gordon model with his new NASCAR paint scheme. There are people out there, like Christy, that go so far above and beyond what is called of them. We are all very fortunate people like her are out there. Thank you again Christy, you are a wonderful person.
February 8, 2002 – Third 2 infusions of chemo – I am getting ready to head to the hospital for my last two infusions on ARA-C for this cycle. I will very glad when tomorrow gets here as I will be done with this stuff. It’s not that it’s that difficult, it’s the feeling you get when you’re medicated. I hate that feeling and am ready to be done with it. Everything else is going exactly as planned. This cycle is almost identical to the last one except my counts are higher this time, which actually helps in the long run. Let’s hope things continue to go as planned. No surprises please. I compare each day in the cycle to the last round (you can look in the charts: 5 Feb 02 vs 3 Jan 02 to compare my counts. Each day should sort of match up with the last cycle from here). I look to the next day’s counts from the last cycle to get an idea what my counts may/should look like tomorrow. Sounds confusing, but it works! Morale is high and I am dying to start flying again. My boss called last night to check up on me before his flight and that gave me the flight bug again. I can’t wait to get back to normal (as if I were ever normal!)
February 9, 2002 – Well, ½ way done. I have just completed the Cytarabine chemo for the 2nd cycle. Now we wait for my immune system to crash and recover. The reason we do this is to get rid of any Minimal Residual Disease (MRD). Right now, I have no signs of Leukemia and there are no Leukemic cells found in my blood or marrow. Studies have shown an increased chance of cure or at least prolonged remission if you get 3-4 cycles of HiDAC (what I’m getting right now). I will get 4 cycles of this and be done, hopefully, sometime in May. Then, I get blood work every month or so for the next year or two to make sure I’m disease free. Cancer is a chess game, and I’m ready to win. The problem is, you have no idea what moves are being made and your opponent cheats! Oh well, all is well and I have tomorrow off. Next blood work will be Monday. Guess I’ll get ready to play the hermit game with the Olympics and NASCAR!
February 10, 2002 – 1 week down, 2 to go (hopefully). My goal is to be out of here and home in two weeks. I start with the Neupogen shots again today and will continue them for about two weeks. They help with my immune system and fight potential infections. I hope that this round continues to go as planned. So far, so good. We’ll just wait and see. A lot of the preventive measures that I take help in avoiding any infections. I wash my hands about 30 times per day and use alcohol swabs on everything. I have to keep my Hickman site clean as well with alcohol and iodine. It gets to be a busy day with the pills, shots, washing, and swabbing. Again, a small price to pay for life!
February 11, 2002 – Counts looked good again today, so I have tomorrow off. Dr Turner seems very happy with my counts. My blood counts are significantly higher than where I started from last cycle, so I have a little more breathing room. I hope this is a trend for the next couple cycles. I should need platelets and/or red blood cells by this weekend if my schedule stays true. Maybe I can get by with only one transfusion this time. It doesn’t matter, as long as I continue to get better. Now I have to figure out what to do with myself for the next 48 hours. Not having to do blood work is good, but I like to know what’s going on every day. I should be Neutropenic by Thursday.
February 13, 2002 – Well, I’m neutropenic as of today. Now we wait for my marrow to recover in about a week or so and then I can get out of here for a week. Looks like I’ll only have a week between cycles this time and that is bringing me down. All is still going as planned and I’m feeling good. I figure I’ll need platelets on Friday and blood by Monday. It gets pretty tiring when your body needs all of this “maintenance”. I am looking forward to finishing this cycle because that will put me over the hump and I’ll be able to see the end of the treatment. Three months to go!
February 14, 2002 – Well, so much for an uneventful cycle. I spiked a fever last night (101.2) and it carried to this morning. I am now a prisoner in the hospital again for the next 5-10 days. When you have no immune system, fevers are bad. I can not believe it happened, I am totally bummed. I have a lot of anxiety about being back in the hospital as the nurses and med techs give me antibiotics (Cefepime/Vancomycin) every 6-8 hours and take my vital signs every 4 hours. So much for sleep. Let’s just hope this week goes quick. I guess it had to happen sooner or later.
February 15, 2002 – Long day today. I had to get 2 bags of RBCs and 1 bag of platelets. Between the blood products and antiobiotcs, I’ve been glued to an IV pole all day. The blood culture for my hickman came back positive which means I have a bacterial infection in one of my hickman ports. The infection should be taken care of by the vancomyacin antibiotic and I may get to leave the hospital in the next few days (hopefully). I am feeling a lot better and my fevers are gone. I hate having to stay in the hospital and am looking forward to getting out of here. Oh well, at least I am responding to the antibiotics and getting better.
February 17, 2002 – The infection that I have is a pretty common one and easily treated, so I sit here in my hospital room and watch the antibiotics go into the line. An important thing about leukemics is that it doesn’t matter how common or small an infection is, it can be fatal if left untreated. That’s pretty scary when you think about it. When I spiked the fever, I treated it as if I were healthy, you know take your temp, get some sleep. This was stupid. It is so easy to think like a normal person (there I go thinking I’m normal again!) when it comes to treating the common cold or any fever. I have to remember that things can go downhill in a hurry. OK, lesson learned on this one. I am feeling great and haven’t had a fever since Thursday. My absolute neutrophil count is at rock bottom and I am still hopeful that this Wednesday or Thursday I should see initial marrow recovery. In other words, in 4-5 days, my counts should come back. When that happens, all goes back to normal and I’ll be allowed to go home. I’ll be home for about a week, then I come back and start all over again (YUCK!!!!). Almost half way done with consolidation therapy. 60 days to go!
February 19, 2002 – I am still hopeful about getting released today, but I’m not counting on it. The hardest part of all of this is waiting for the doctors to make a decision. I barely get to see them, but can’t leave without their permission (very frustrating). I have SEVERE bone pains today. They came on last night, so I did not get any sleep. It feels like a pulsating throb in my lower back and in all my joints. This is actually a good sign as it means my bone marrow is starting to recover. I have 10% monocytes today which usually precede neutrophils in the blood. I am hoping to not be neutropenic by tomorrow or Thursday. My patience is gone with all of the nurses. I just wish they would all do things the same way. Every nurse is different and it drives me nuts. The throbbing in my bones is making me cranky. As always, tomorrow will be better.
February 19, 2002 – Finally, I have escaped the hospital! A week in “lock up” and I was going out of my mind! My counts are back and, with a little luck, I will be home tomorrow. I have to go to the clinic in the morning to get my counts checked, make sure my platelets are recovering, and get the antibiotics. After that, I’m on the road. I hope all goes well. 2 weeks and 4 days is pretty good. I am being completely unfair to the nurses and doctors at the hospital. Most, if not all, of them are very good, I’m just an idiot when it comes to my body. I am sure they are happier to see me go than I am. I should try to behave a little better for them. When you’re cranky and stuck in the hospital, it’s easy to lash out at those around you. They took my abuse pretty well. I would never want to have to deal with someone like me! I’ll get a week and a half off and then I’ll be back here to start all over again. Oh well, 2 down, 2 to go!
March 4, 2002 – First 2 infusions of chemo – And so we begin again! I feel better this round and I’m not having the anxiety I felt at the beginning of Cycle 2. Maybe I’m just getting used to this crap! My counts looked good, very similar to Cycle 2 and my spirits are high. Put all this together and I hope it spells an easier time and NO FEVERS! I hope to finish this cycle in about 3 weeks and set myself up for the last cycle. I know I shouldn’t get ahead of myself, but it is like being in school and looking forward to graduation. There’s a great unknown after graduation, yet we were all still so eager to get to that abyss. Scary and exciting at the same time. I’ll concentrate on this cycle and hope all goes well. Thanks to everyone again for your continued prayers as they are making all the difference (well, the prayers and the chemo!)
March 5, 2002 – I’ll let you in on a little secret, if you go through HiDAC, you’re gonna get the hiccups! Yes, they’re back! All is going according to plan and my attitude this cycle is SO much better. It’s weird, last time I was down in the dumps and this time I really feel good. My energy is very high and I’m feeling great. The blood culture we took yesterday revealed no infection left in my catheter (so far). Last time, the first results came back positive for Staph Infection. This time, nothing is showing up. They will continue to monitor the cultures for the next 5-10 days to see if anything appears. I feel pretty good about the infection being killed. I am such a germophobe now it’s ridiculous! Oh well, better safe than sorry. I’ll get the next two bags of chemo infused tomorrow at 10am and 10pm. After that, I’m off until Friday. This is getting to be obscenely routine. As always, spirits are high and I’m ready t o finish this crap! 10% through this round already.
March 6, 2002 – Second 2 infusions of chemo – My counts are looking fairly normal today and my energy level is still pretty high. Tina has placed a “last updated” block on the front page of the web site. Just scroll down below the guest book icon in the frame on the left-hand-side and you’ll see when the site was updated. This should make it a little easier. Everything else is going well and, after these two bags of chemo today, I’m already 2/3 of the day through this cycle! It’s all about how you look at it! For all you folks at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, make sure you sign the guest book, or Tina will be upset! Next update…tomorrow!
March 7, 2002 – My counts are a little different than the last cycle, but nothing out of the ordinary. Everything seems to be going as planned. My plan of staying “sanitized” and away from any germs seems to be working. I am using alcohol wipes and the Clorox disinfectant wipes on everything. These, in conjunction with my hand washing rituals, should provide for a fairly sterile environment. My spirits are still pretty high and this round seems to be moving right along. Hopefully, I’ll get through this one with no surprises!
March 8, 2002 – Third 2 infusions of chemo – The last bags of Cytarabine for this cycle are going in right now. Dr Turner has given me the weekend off. My next blood test will be on Monday. This is the anxious time for me as I wait to go neutropenic. I’ll keep doing my best to make sure I stay a sanitary as possible. I know I keep rambling on about this, but it is literally a life and death situation when you deal with infections. Pretty scary stuff! Oh well, everything else is going as planned. I start on the Neupogen tomorrow. I HATE shots, but what can you do. We are going with the higher dose (480mg vs 300mg) which might lessen my neutropenic time. We’ll see how that goes.
March 11, 2002 – Well, my counts are dropping fast and I should be neutropenic within 48 hours. I have to take care and keep things REALLY clean now. I always get a little nervous around this time. I hate not having an immune system. It’s pretty scary when you realize what can kill you! On a side note, today is my dad’s birthday. I always seem to reflect on my life on his birthday. I grew up the middle of three sons to wonderful parents who we tortured on a regular basis. Why are we embarrassed or distant from our parents when we’re younger? I wish I was half the man my father is as he is ALWAYS there for his family. There is nothing in life more important than family and the example set by my father is truly amazing. Tina and I are both blessed to have strong family backing and that really makes a difference during adverse times. My dad is the best and I look forward to being together again soon (even if it’s at a craps table!). Happy Birthday Dad!
March 12, 2002 – And so the game begins! I am neutropenic as of today. My counts are still dropping and I should need blood and platelets by Friday. I am a little concerned with my blood work today as a type of cell known as a “Dohle Body” was noted. This abnormality usually occurs with chronic infections. Click here to find out more: White Blood Cells 1 I have a feeling, if there is an infection; it’s in my Hickman as that seems to be the common place for infections. I have my bags packed for the hospital just in case I spike a fever. Too much worrying and I sure could use some good news for a change. Leukemia sucks!
March 13, 2002 – My checkup went well today. Dr Turner did the once over on me and we’re still right on track. So far, so good, as far as being neutropenic. I’ve kept myself and the place pretty clean. Paranoia is a good word to describe my mindset right now. Leukemia is such an emotionally and physically draining disease. One minute you’re normal, the next you’re in the middle of what seems like a whirlwind of precautions and warning signs. This is very tiring on your mind. It seems as though this stuff will never end, but suddenly you realize it’s tomorrow. My mind gets going and the paranoid thoughts creep in. I’ve been very fortunate with my disease and, so far, have had very few problems since November. When I stop to think about it (which is literally ALL the time), the journey has been a lengthy one. I can’t believe 4 months have passed since the onset of this whole ordeal. I am just SO tired of dealing with Leukemia and all its associated ramifications. My spirits are still high and I believe God is watching over me. I also believe that this is all part of some master plan. It has to be! God’s plan for me will be clearer when the time is right. All things being equal, I just hope His plans involve me hanging around here for the next 50 or so years! I should need platelets and blood on either Friday or Saturday as my numbers are coming down. We’ll see what tomorrow holds!
March 14, 2002 – Survived another day of bloodwork and labs. I am pretty tired right now, but that is because my counts are so low. I am trying to hold my transfusions off until Saturday. If my platelets drop below 15, I’ll get platelets tomorrow. I’ll just have to wait and see what tomorrow’s labs bring. My counts are nearly identical to day 12 of cycle 2, so I’m hoping this means I’m 1 day ahead of schedule. If all goes well I should be in the clear around Tuesday or Wednesday of next week and ready to get home next Thursday. Tina and I will definitely be ready to get home. Family members of someone with cancer have it a lot worse than the patient. Sure, I feel tired and my stomach gets upset from all of the drugs, but your family has no idea what to do to make things better. They try to be upbeat and cheery, but it’s difficult when there is nothing you can do to make it better. There is another guy here that has Lymphoma and I feel pretty bad for him. He is fighting hard, but he has a tumor in his stomach and they can’t operate yet because he has some pancreas problems. He is not allowed to eat or drink anything so all of his nutrition comes from his IV. Times like these you realize that, as bad as it is for me, it’s 100 times worse for him. Everyone that has been praying for me please include him in your prayers. He is so strong for his family and, at 25 years old, is too young to have all these problems. I try to give him pep talks, but it’s hard when I know there’s nothing else I can do. We’re not family, but I sense what family members must go through when I think about how helpless I am in helping him. We patients forget that at times as it’s easy to immerse yourself in your own problems. I hope things get better for him. It’s strange when you realize you are just one of many people having problems in this strange world. As always…tomorrow will be better.
March 17, 2002 – Well, I had to get platelets on Friday. My boss came out to see me and brought Tina with him. It is SO good to have her here as I get worried about being by myself when my counts are so low. It’s pretty easy for something to go wrong and, with her here, I don’t have to worry as much. I got to take Saturday off and my counts are looking good today. I am anticipating a good jump on Tuesday. The reason I think this is, each cycle has been a little shorter than the previous and my Neupogen dosage was increased from 300mg to 480mg per day this cycle. I figure that this will cut a day off of my Neutropenic time. Last cycle, my counts came back at day 17 of the cycle. Tomorrow is day 15, so that leads me to hope for Tuesday as my target date. On a serious note, please pray for the Tatum family as Lt Col Tatum had an abnormal biopsy and is back here. Our thoughts and prayers are with them. Lt Col Tatum’s website can be accessed here: Mach's Leukemia Homepage
March 18, 2002 – My counts have started to
recover. My WBC count is up to 0.8 and
I have 5 Bands as well. I should see a
noticeable jump tomorrow. We are ready
to get out of here and it is now possible that I may get out of here without
needing any blood transfusions. This
would be a big morale boost for me. I
am kind of treating these cycles as competitions. I try to get better and need less “assistance” than the previous
cycle. I know it is completely out of
my hands, but it keeps me busy. I feel
very bad for the Tatum family and sincerely hope that their road to recovery is
a short one. There are now 7-9 Leukemia
cases from the Eglin AFB/Hurlburt Field area.
This is VERY suspicious and I am wondering what the doctors think. Sounds a little like a cancer cluster to
me? We’ll see tomorrow how my counts
are doing and we may be able to leave as early as Wednesday. Hope springs eternal…as always, tomorrow
will be better!
March 19, 2002 – Well, my recovery is going as
planned with the exception of my white blood cells. I was really hoping to see a jump, but they dropped instead. I have 19 Bands as well as Metamyleocytes
and Myleocytes, which is a VERY promising sign. These cells usually precede Neutrophils during bone marrow
recovery. I anticipate a big jump in my
counts tomorrow based on the SEVERE bone pain that has returned. It feels like a dull throbbing in my leg
bones and all of my joints. Every now
and then, there is a massive surge of pain that lasts about five seconds and
then subsides. It is a very
uncomfortable feeling but I know it’s a great sign. Dr Turner said that it’s a sign of strong marrow. I don’t know, but put the bone pain together
with the blood counts, and you have yourself a potential marrow recovery on
your hands! Let’s hope this holds true.
March 23, 2002 – We did manage to escape on Thursday and made it home. I did a blood test on Friday and my platelets are coming back as planned. My hemoglobin is still low, so I'm not running any marathons this week. I start the next round (my last!) on 1 Apr 02 and am ready to get this stuff behind me. The next step is a big one. I'll write more next week once I get back to Keesler.
March 29, 2002 – Last weekend we were able to take a trip out with the dogs and look at houses. I think that the dogs had more fun than we did. We have been gone, on and off, so much lately it was nice to spend the day with the "family".
April 1, 2002 – First 2 infusions of chemo – We begin again! I have just completed my morning round of chemo. 1 down, 5 to go! My next round will begin tonight around 9:00 PM. I am so ready to get this done and over with. As usual, I’ll get the chemo this week and go neutropenic next Tuesday or Wednesday. I’ll keep clean, keep the room clean, and try to avoid any infections. Spirits are very high as I know this is the last time around for this crap! My time here is/has been an experience and I know I need to take things one day at a time. I hope to start flying again by mid-summer and get back to work full time by 1 Jun 02. As I said, one day at a time.
April 3, 2002 – Second 2 infusions of chemo – I am finishing up my 3rd infusion right now. 3 to go! My counts are still pretty much normal and we’re right on schedule. I am pretty happy with everything so far. Tina will help keep me in line and we’ll keep everything clean. I can’t believe this round is FINALLY here. I am very anxious to get this one over with and get my biopsy next month. As Lt Col Tatum says, it’s all in God’s plan, we are not in control, He is! I hope His plans for me are better than what they’ve been, but… either way! Spirits are high and, with the exception of the hiccups (again!), no real big side effects. As always, tomorrow will be better!
April 5, 2002 – Third 2 infusions of chemo – Well, it all comes down to this. Today is, hopefully, my last day of chemotherapy. With a little luck and some strong prayers, I should begin my grasp at normal life. I have to wait for my counts to drop and then come back. This should take about two weeks and then we wait. I will get a biopsy in about a month and another one in about 6 months. This is all quite frightening. Suddenly, I don’t have another chemo round or appointment to schedule, I just go back to life and take it one day at a time. It really plays havoc with your mind! Oh well, I could just as easily get hit by a truck, so I shouldn’t worry about things that I can not control. I can’t believe this is it for the chemo. I am looking forward to weaning myself off of the medications and getting my blood counts back to normal. I have the weekend off as far as blood work is concerned. As always, we’ll see what tomorrow brings…
April 8, 2002 – My counts are looking almost identical to the last cycle, which is a good thing. My stomach is the big problem as it just keeps rumbling. I usually get an upset stomach around this time and this one is no exception. The doctor gave me tomorrow off since we can kind of predict the next ten days. It should go something like this: neutrophils drop to 0 by this weekend, bone pains early next week, marrow recovery around Wednesday, and home on Friday or Saturday! Let’s hope the infections and fevers stay away for this last cycle. As always…tomorrow will be better…
April 10, 2002 – My counts have nearly bottomed and I’m neutropenic (lack of infection fighting cells). My stomach has really been upset this cycle and it sure makes life more difficult. Other than that, so far so good. I figure I’ve got about a week to go before my counts recover and go back to normal. I am just trying to get through this week. I’ll feel better when my stomach settles down. I’m pretty tired of heading to the restroom every few hours. Slowly but surely, we’re getting closer to the end…
April 13, 2002 – Off day today. I had to get platelets yesterday and had a minor scare. We proceeded to transfuse them at a rapid rate (at my request) and my body did NOT tolerate it very well. I felt the cold going in and, suddenly, I started having trouble breathing and got light-headed. The nurse said my face went completely red and my eyes got bloodshot instantly. Needless to say, we stopped the transfusion and I was put on oxygen. After a little more Benadryl, I was able to complete the transfusion without further incident. Let me tell you, no matter how many times you do this (I’ve gotten blood or platelets at least 50 times), every transfusion is unique and can be dangerous. I was pretty scared. Tina came up and got me from the hospital and we were able to go back to our quarters. Everything else is right on track and we should see marrow recovery in about 96 hours! I’m at rock bottom today and will start my slow creep up tomorrow. We’re being careful to keep me and the place clean and we’re both ready to get home for good!!! As always, tomorrow will be better.
April 14, 2002 – Well, I had to get platelets today. I was pretty surprised when they called and told me my platelets were down to 5,000 (150,000-400,00 is normal). It was a good day as they put Lt Col Tatum and me in the same room so we had the opportunity to chat for a few hours. Both Lt Col Tatum and his wife Nancy handle life’s adversity so well it’s truly amazing. Please keep them and Maj Dan Staley and his wife Brooke in your prayers as both families have a long road ahead. With God’s help and your prayers, I’m sure that both families will be healthy and happy in the coming years. My problems seem minor in the big picture and I realize that, while this is hopefully the end of this journey for me, it’s either the beginning or the middle for others. My wish is that these two families continue to draw on the support from others and have better news in the future. Actually, Lt Col Tatum’s biopsy results were better than first thought (7% Blasts vs. the 12% they originally thought) and Maj Staley’s biopsy was even better (4% Blasts which means he is in remission after 2 bouts of induction chemo). These are both promising signs and, with a little prayer, could be even better by next week.
Tina and I have noticed that folks from other countries like Israel, Australia, and Lebanon are looking at the site. We ask you folks to either sign the guest book or drop us an email. The same goes for anyone else out there as we’d love to hear your story or why you’ve looked at ours. It is our hope that someone benefits from this site and gains a little insight into the road ahead for a newly diagnosed person. Finally, thanks to everyone who has been praying and wishing us well as the end of this part of the journey is near. With a little luck, I should be complete by Friday. The next chapter is to return to normal life and ease back into work. Tina and I are so fortunate to be part of a family that lends so much support. Our friends have been nothing short of amazing and we wish we could find some way to repay everyone for the kind words, prayers, and help that has been available to us since this whole ordeal began in October. As Lt Col Tatum says, I realize that I too am not in control and I’ll put my faith in the Lord and I’m sure this all fits into His master plan. 72 hours until I’m not Neutropenic…hopefully!
April 15, 2002 – The SEVERE bone pains have returned. These pains are a mixed blessing as on one hand, it means my bone marrow is starting to recover and I should see my counts jump dramatically in about two days. On the other hand, all of my joints are sore and the pulsing, nagging, throbbing feeling is not fun. My counts are at the bottom still and I have to keep being careful as far as infections are concerned. These bone pains sure make for a long day and do weigh on your attitude. I am gearing up for a couple of cranky days. We’ll see how tomorrow goes…
April 17, 2002 – Well, we’re at the end of this part of the journey. My WBC’s rose to 8.0 and I’m off of the Neupogen. As long as my platelets hold steady or rise tomorrow, we’re heading home. I can’t believe we’ve come this far. I am going to keep my hickman in until I get the results of my biopsy next month just in case. I’d hate to get it removed and then it turn out that I need it. As I think back, I realize just how much chemo I’ve received. I have completed 1 round of induction chemo (Cytarabine: 180mg x 7 Days = 1260mg and Idarubicin: 24mg x 3 Days = 72mg) and 4 rounds of consolidation chemo (Cytarabine: 5.4 grams x 6 infusions x 4 cycles = 129.6 grams). Put all of this together and that is some serious toxins I’ve had cycle through my body. This isn’t even counting the medications, vitamins, and steroids that I’ve had as well. It’s amazing how the human body works. This whole ordeal started on 25 Oct 01 and here we are, hopefully, at the end just 6 months later. I hope to return to work full time in the next week or so and get back in the airplane sometime this summer. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that this disease is gone forever. We’ll take it one day at a time. I’ll try to keep this site updated every week or so. Please make sure you all keep Lt Col Ken Tatum and Maj Dan Staley and their families in your thoughts and prayers as they continue their journey through this and recover fully.
April 22, 2002 – So much for closing the book on this chapter. Around 3 am this morning, I decided to spike a fever and by 9:00 it was at 103. We did the usual CBC and blood cultures of my Hickman and I was shipped off to Eglin A.F.B. hospital for more tests. The highlight of my day was a wonderful spinal tap (which they called a "lumbar puncture") to check for meningitis. We have to wait about 3-10 days before the culture results come back but we did get the results of the other tests and they all came back negative. I was put on an oral antibiotoc, Dynapen, and sent home. I'm looking forward to these antibiotics kicking in as my temperature is still hovering around 100 and I remain tired. As always, tomorrow will be better...
April 30, 2002 – It’s been a pretty busy week. I started back to work on Monday and wound up in the ER at Eglin AFB with that fever. The blood cultures came back positive for Staph Infection (again!) so I’m on Vancomycin for another week. Every morning and evening I hook myself up to the IV and give myself the dosage. On Friday, my hemoglobin dropped to 7.1 so I decided to try and get some blood. 9 hours later, I finally received 1 bag. They wanted to admit me to the hospital overnight for the second bag. I refused the treatment and went home. I just couldn’t see exposing myself to any more infectious stuff plus I felt a lot better after that one bag. It must have worked because my hemoglobin is up to 9.7 today and my pulse is really good. Other than that, everything else is going well. I am looking to start flying again within a month as long as this stuff behaves. So far, so good. I will update my journal once a week unless something significant happens. As always, tomorrow will be better!…
May 7, 2002 – I have finally finished the IV antibiotic. I’ve been busier with hospitals and blood than I was when I was at Keesler. The bad part is that no one here is familiar with my case and keeps referring me back to Keesler. The Keesler folks are busy enough with their own patients and don’t need me calling them every 10 minutes. It’s really a no-win situation yet we still manage to get through it. Tina came home sick last Thursday so I played nurse to her all weekend. She is finally getting better. I took the opportunity to clean up the back yard and finish up the front yard. It’s amazing how bad your lawn gets when you don’t fully clean it for 7 months. Between deploying to the Middle East and dealing with this Leukemia, I let the yard get terrible. Recovering it gives me something to do and it’s good exercise. I am feeling great and my hemoglobin is getting better every day. It’s up to 11.0 today. Should be in the normal range in a few more weeks. I am back to work and loving every minute of it. You don’t realize how important friends are until you’re faced with losing them. Everything else is starting to get back to normal but I still have that dreaded biopsy next week hanging over my head. Let’s just get it over and done with. A very good friend is have some medical issues and needs as much support as we can spare. His situation is worse than mine (although he says mine is worse!). He’s had radiation treatments, chemo, and surgery. He is just getting back up to speed and needs that shoulder to lean on. For everyone who has a prayer line, please include him (name withheld on purpose as this is personal to him). Anyway, every day is a better one and what a miracle friends and family can be. We are all so proud; too proud to admit we need a little help from time to time. I sure have realized that help can bring you a long way. Our friends and neighbors Ted and Mary Ellen have moved to Texas and we hope they're doing well. Thank you guys for everything, we miss you. As always, tomorrow will be even better!…
May 14, 2002 – The Bone Marrow Biopsy was today and we got the preliminary results back (click ----> here). GREAT NEWS!!!
May 21, 2002 – It’s been a busy week. I received the results from my bone marrow biopsy…NORMAL MARROW!!!! This is the first step and there is a long way to go, but boy is it a great first step. On Friday, Dr Turner removed my hickman catheter. It was actually a little more difficult than that as he had to have the surgeon remove it from my aorta. It was quite an experience having this guy pull a foot long tube from your neck! Everything else is going pretty well. My blood counts are all looking normal and that is the best news I can have. If I relapse, we can expect my counts to start going haywire, then my bruising would probably return as my platelet count drops, and finally the relapse. I am not planning on this happening and, surprisingly, not worried about it. If it happens, it happens. Lt Col Tatum said one second spent worried about it is one second wasted! That’s great advice. Finally, I am still waiting for my medical evaluation board to come back so I can start flying again. I hope to get this done in the near future. The docs at Hurlburt are a little behind on this, but I’m sure they will get it done. This always seems to work so I’ll keep saying it…Tomorrow will be better…
June 5, 2002 – It’s been a little bit since I’ve updated this. I am recovering from a pretty bad cold right now and it’s pretty much kicked my butt. Last week, Tina and I flew to Shreveport to see my brother Rick and his wife Tana and their new daughter Paige. My parents were there and whenever you put us in a town with casinos, you know what’s going to happen! Tina made out the best with a whopping $1500 jackpot on slots and I made out pretty well, up about $900 on the craps table. We drove back with my parents and lost some of it in Biloxi, but it was still a good trip overall! I was supposed to go to leave for Little Rock, AR on Sunday, but the cold kicked in and I’ve been on the couch all week. I keep getting a little paranoid about this cold being a relapse but my blood work looked good and the flight surgeons aren’t worried. Let’s just get over this. I’ve got a trip to Germany and France in two weeks and don’t want to miss it. My medical board is coming soon and, with a little luck, I should be cleared to fly soon. We’ll see what tomorrow holds. I’ll try you update a little more often…
June 28, 2002 – Wow, what a busy couple of
weeks. My cold has finally passed and
I’m back to feeling normal. I got a
blood test this week prior to getting a couple of fillings. Everything looked great. My hemoglobin and WBC’s are in the normal
range (14.2 and 5.5) and my platelets are still high (up near 550,000). I guess this means I’m still good to
go. I still get nervous as time passes
without getting a blood test. As you
probably saw by the picture, I
FINALLY got back on the road last week with a trip to
July 5, 2002 – We are looking at a busy weekend. Click here for Daytona updates and pictures.
July 5, 2002 – Whew…what a week! Daytona was exactly what the doctor ordered. Rest, relaxation, and fun in the sun! The Winston Cup race was a blast, but ended the weekend for us. I had to drive back to Hurlburt on Sunday and then drive to Biloxi on Monday for a doctor’s appointment. I met my “new” oncologist and we talked about my history and prognosis. I tell you, they are all so pessimistic. I don’t rely on their numbers (he said 70% chance to be Leukemia free in 3 years). I trust my faith and leave the rest to God. It’s in the “master plan” so it doesn’t make a lot of sense worrying about it. Anyways, my blood looked GREAT and I feel great. I have been on the go since I finished chemo. I can’t believe it’s been 3 months already! Good news is my hair is ALL back and so is my weight. Bad news is my hair is a lot grayer and my weight is all in my gut! I weighed 163 lbs. when I deployed last year just before getting Leukemia and now I’m up to 170…yikes! Tina has updated my charts and you’ll see that everything is normal again! Good for another month! Tomorrow will be better…
July 30, 2002 – Been doing pretty well. I noticed a bruise on my chest this week and, obviously, hurried over to the hospital to get some blood work done. All is well according to the docs. I’m still not sure where the bruise came from. Other than that, it’s been pretty normal around here. My medical board came back yesterday...RETURN TO DUTY!!! This means we start on the waiver process and, hopefully, I’ll start flying in two weeks or so! Pretty exciting! My hemoglobin is up to 15.9 and my platelets are still sitting at 315. Next blood test is 8 Aug 02. We’ll update again then. No news is good news. As always…tomorrow will be better!
25 Aug 02: Well, nothing new to report. I am still trying to finish up the waiver to start flying but have been very busy with normal work. I just returned from a trip to Norway and the Netherlands. Quite an interesting trip and we got a lot of work done. My blood tests have all been good. I have an issue with drinking beer in the USA - every time I have a beer, my face gets completely red and I get very hot under my skin. It’s caused by blood rushing to my face but no one knows why. When I brink beer in Europe, everything is fine. It only happens in the USA. I guess I should just move to Europe! Everything else is still going well and we are still looking for a new house. Please keep Ken and Nancy Tatum in your prayers as he starts his BMT (transplant) in a few days. Major Dan Staley has just been medically retired and is getting ready to follow Lt Col Tatum. Dan and Brooke Staley are wonderful folks and need our prayers as well. These two guys and their families continue their journeys and we all look forward to their full recovery. Ken Tatum and Dan Staley both have great support systems but need every extra prayer you can spare. We have all kind of traveled this terrible journey together. In addition to being paranoid about my future, I also feel guilty that my path has been easier than theirs. Let’s continue to hope that they fully recover and make me feel like the cheater in the years to come. Lt Col Tatum is getting chemo and total body radiation right now and Maj Staley is getting ready to do the same in October. My thoughts are with these guys and any prayer for me needs to be deflected to them. I will try to update this more often, but no news is good news. As always, tomorrow will be better…
(P.S. Greg remembered something Friday night when we watched Terms of Endearment. He said that he remembered having lumps under his arms right before he was diagnosed. We are not sure if it is related but the lumps were so bad that it hurt to put his arms down.)
11
Sep 02: Wow…it’s been a year since that fateful day.
On one hand, I remember it like it was today.
On the other, it’s been a long year.
I’ve been fighting with the medical experts to get back in the
airplane, but they are being quite difficult.
It seems cancer protocols require several checkups and more stupid forms
from my Oncologists. They never look
at individual cases, they just go by the stats.
Oh well, I’m not done yet. I
went to
27
Sep 02: We are finally getting ready to move into our new house.
It just sort of happened as one day Tina found a house for sale and all
of a sudden, we’re putting an offer in and the deal is started.
So many things to do before we move in and today was spent packing and
getting closer to putting our house up for sale.
I was in
1 Dec 02: Well, everything is still the same here. I am going for a blood test this week and am a
little nervous as usual. The sad news is that
Ken Tatum has relapsed with Leukemia again. He
is around Day 90 post transplant. While they
were doing his workup to let him head home to Mississippi, they noticed the leukemia is
his marrow and, within two days, he had 35% blasts in his blood. Please deflect all thoughts and prayers for me to
Ken and his family. The Tatum’s have been
such an inspiration to us and we learned so much from them.
We continue to pray for the entire family every day.
Please drop them a line on their guestbook to let them know you’re praying for
them. Dan and Brooke Staley have had their
second child and Dan is doing fairly well right now.
He is around Day 45ish post transplant and is spending time with his new daughter
and the family in Seattle. Lt Col Mike Dunn
and I are still here in Florida, still in remission, and still concerned for the Tatum’s
and Staley’s. Tina and I have been so
fortunate to have these folks in our lives. Finally,
someone asked me the other day why I get into details about other stuff in my journal that
doesn’t pertain to leukemia. The reason is
I wanted to show someone that is newly diagnosed that, once treated, you can return to a
somewhat normal life (except for the paranoia…that never goes away!) If you schedule your blood tests monthly, monitor
your body for anything out of the ordinary, and keep active, you will feel completely
normal. My life now is almost as it was 15
month ago. The main difference is the
paranoia that creeps in every couple of days. I
am still very aware of my monthly checkups and my blood counts. I get a complete blood count (CBC w/ diff) monthly
and a CMP (complete metabolic panel…all of the other stuff like potassium, sodium,
calcium, etc) quarterly. So far, all has been good and, as always…tomorrow will be
better…
3 Jan 03: Happy New Year to all! Let’s hope this year goes better than last. Another fairly uneventful month has passed since my last update. I had an Oncology appt. at Keesler 21 Dec 02. Everything is still going well. My “new” oncologist is so much more pessimistic than Dr Turner. I miss Dr Turner’s sunny disposition as it is such a rarity amongst docs. My doctors here tried to get me back on deployment status (at my request), but that was shot down as fast as it was brought up. My counts looked good and I am free from Keesler for another 12 weeks. We received wonderful news from the Staleys. Dan is day 84 post transplant and is doing very well (finger crossed!). He’ll get another Bone Marrow Biopsy soon and, hopefully, get ready to move back to the southeast. Dan and Brooke have endured so much and have another little girl to care for as well. Let’s all pray that Dan’s around for several decades for Sammy and Jo. Ken and Nancy Tatum continue to fight. As you all know, Ken’s leukemia came back around day 80 post-transplant and he is on some experimental drugs now. We sincerely ask all of you to pray for the Tatums as they need our support. Finally, all of the rest of us are still doing the same. No news is always good news in this horrible game. I said it before, it’s like playing chess with a cheater. I hope the “cheaters never win” theory holds true. As always, tomorrow will be better…
6 Jan 03: Let’s just get right to it. Lt Col Ken “Mach” Tatum passed away yesterday morning at 5:20AM up in Seattle with Nancy by his side. The experimental drug did not work and the infection invaded his body. Ken’s passing is unbelievably difficult for me as he provided me with such inspiration and motivation. Just being around him was enough to uplift my spirits and realize I was not alone. On one hand, I was comforted by Nancy’s incredibly warm words and her faith in Our Lord (see Ken's journal). Ken is in a wonderful place free of this horrible disease and out of pain, he is alongside Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and I can feel his presence everywhere. On the other hand, I cannot help but feel immense sadness for our loss. I continue to press on with my life but feel as though part of me has passed on as well. For those of you who don’t know, Ken was about Eight months ahead of me in his treatment. When I started going to Keesler AFB for chemo in Jan 02, Ken was back to normal life and “stopping by” Keesler every few months for a checkup (like what I’m doing now). In March 02, Ken relapsed and began refractory chemo at Keesler. Ken and I were in the Oncology lab together often and always checked up on each other. No matter how big his problems were, He and Nancy were always curious how Tina and I were doing. We both received a platelet transfusion on one day and had the opportunity to visit, one on one, for a few hours. Ken’s words of encouragement were so uplifting and his presence commanded belief in what he was saying. The Keesler staff was in awe of him because of his unbelievable presence. I feel so blessed to have had such an incredible opportunity to meet such a wonderful man. My heart cries out and this world has suffered such a tremendous loss. He will always be with us and we must continue to live our lives, as he would have demanded. Godspeed Mach…Godspeed
20
Feb 03: Again, sorry that it has
taken SO long to update this journal. Time just keeps flying by.
First the good stuff, Dan Staley is leaving
6 Apr 03: Well,
it has been a little while since I updated this and Tina is getting on me to get
an entry in, so here it is. A few
strange things happened since my last update.
First, about a month ago, I developed a metallic taste in my mouth and it
progressed to my taste buds getting very large and sensitive.
I also had cold sores along my gum line and my mouth hurt pretty bad.
I went straight in to the doctors and they couldn’t find anything
wrong. All my blood work looked good
and there was no sign of infection. It
passed after about a week, but it still made me quite nervous.
Once that passed, I went to
14
Apr 03: It was a year ago today that
I had a most incredible afternoon. I
went to the hospital for my usual blood test and was told I needed platelets.
I went to my hospital room and discovered I would be in the same room as
Ken Tatum. Ken and I (and Tina and
Nancy) visited for a few hours and recalled how our paths came together.
Although Ken is no longer here today (Ken passed away a few months back),
he is still here in spirit as he lives on forever.
I consider Ken a Guardian Angel in a way.
Those few hours we spent together had such a profound impact.
When
21 Apr 03: Whew! Another month of blood tests is complete. I ran to the clinic today for my monthly checkup and got the “all clear”. It’s weird how you feel a lot better once you get the results. I am good for another month and then it’s off to Keesler AFB again for my quarterly checkup. I need to clear the air on the whole military doctor thing. When I said most of my feelings about these folks are negative, I was venting my own frustrations with the health care systems. At times, it seems unfair, but I need to remember that they have quite a workload and are just looking at things on the cautious side. Better to keep me on the ground and local than to send me up or away and have an “issue”. I realize that these folks are helping me in the grand scheme of things. When I say my experiences with them are negative, I mean that I long for the days of sunny dispositions and overly friendly smiles. Dr Turner was a rarity in the fact that he stopped and actually let me have a say in my care. My doctors now are as capable and very knowledgeable; they are just more business oriented than Dr Turner was. Different people react differently to various styles, but everyone involved in my care has been tremendous. I am keeping up with the whole physical fitness thing and I actually might fly on Wednesday (48 hours from now!) It won’t be as a crew guy, just as a passenger, but I might get some time on the guns and that’s worth its weight in gold! Hopefully, one day soon, I will fly as a gunner and get back to a productive life. For now, I press on with my usual routine of paranoia, exercise, more paranoia, and challenging the “system” every chance I can. On a more serious note, Dan Staley’s Leukemia is back and we aren’t sure if he’ll need another transplant or if the new donor cells will mount the charge. Please keep the Staleys in your prayers as will I and I’ll update more as soon as I hear. Dan and Brooke have shown such tremendous courage through his ordeal and we’ll all pray that this bump in the road is temporary. (More to follow on that.) I leave you now with a simple thought…Your mind and your body will come and go. Your spirit lives eternal. Make peace with God and accept His plan and, no matter what, the outcome is certain! God’s love for us is so pure, so perfect, and so sincere it outshines any dreary day. Accept the Lord and give Him thanks and you will never be alone…as always, tomorrow will be better…
2 May 03: I received a very nice e-mail today. One of my sister-in-law's college friends will be wearing my name on her wrist band as an "honored hero" during her Century Ride in Lake Tahoe. I don't know if I would consider myself a hero considering I have just done what I had to do, what any of you would have done. I am, however, very honored that she has chosen me to be her inspiration. She is training for the Century Ride, or 100-mile bike ride, that will take place on June 1 through Team in Training which is an athletic division of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Good Luck with the ride, Kristian and thank you.
8 May 03: The waiting game continues…I am waiting for my waiver to begin flying…again! With any luck, the outcome will be much better this time. I actually flew as a passenger two weeks ago and it was great. Being with the guys, doing the job is the absolute best medicine anyone can prescribe. I felt more alive that night than I have in a long time. In fact, I am flying tomorrow to “relive” the experience. On a much more serious note, Major Dan Staley had his bone marrow biopsy come back and it was not good news. His Leukemia is back with about 70% blasts in his marrow. He is on consolidation chemo again (6 infusions of ARA-C) and, hopefully, with a little help and prayer, the donor cells will take over as his marrow recovers. Please keep Dan and Brooke in your prayers as they have been through so much together. I am at a loss for words when I think of their issues and, again, have survivor guilt when I read Brooke’s updates. These folks are on my mind and in my prayers daily as I just don’t understand why things happen the way they do. I ask the Lord for guidance and He tells me everything happens for a reason. I don’t understand the reasons behind this one but I put my total faith in Him as His plan is perfect. One day, I hope it will become clear to me. The last of the four of us, Lt Col Mike Dunn, is doing well. He has the M3 subtype (FAB classification…also called APL or Acute Promylocytic Leukemia) and goes through a significantly different regimen than Ken Tatum, Dan Staley, and I did. Again, I thank the Lord for his continued recovery and humbly ask Him to continue to watch over both of these men and their families. Life is a pretty tough nut to crack. Sometimes we get so concerned over the appearance of the shell that we forget that it’s what’s inside that counts. Things are the same for me, I am running like crazy and doing everything I can to get into shape. My stamina is great and my spirit is strong. As I get stronger each day, I try to somehow project my good fortune to those struggling. I continue to draw on God’s strength and place my fate in His hands. No matter what happens, I feel secure in that thought. As always, tomorrow will be better…
23 May 03: This world can be cruel at times. I found out today that Maj Dan Staley, one of my dear partners in this disease, passed away on 21 May 03. Dan fought to the end, but the Leukemia came back and his kidneys and liver were affected. I can’t believe how hard these things are to me. Brooke is being so strong for their children but the loss is just so tremendous. Dan was about 3 months behind me in his diagnosis and his treatments coincided with my last 2 rounds of chemo. Dan and I spent a considerable amount of time together in the beginning and I shared everything I could with him. I remember one evening, outside of our temporary living area, sharing our thoughts. Dan was very upbeat and looked healthy as a horse. That was mid-April of last year. Since then, he has had another round of chemo, a bone marrow (stem cell) transplant, more chemo, fully recovered, relapsed, and now this. The 14 months that this family endured is just too difficult to comprehend. Dan is now in a better place, free to look over his family from above. I can’t understand how life works. I have prayed so much for this family and to have this happen makes me question how it all works. I know some things are just too much to comprehend. I realize that this is part of a bigger plan, but I feel so selfish thinking about how unfair it seems. I’ll look to God for more answers and pray for Brooke and the girls. Brooke needs all of the support and prayers we can give and I’ll do my part. This is the second passing this year and it is getting more and more difficult to maintain. Of the four of us, (Ken Tatum, Dan Staley, Mike Dunn, and Me) two are gone (in body, not in spirit). The world is a little emptier today as Dan moves to his new home in Heaven, he takes a little bit of all who knew him with him. I am at a loss for words so I’ll end this by simply saying “Thank you Dan, thank you for allowing me to know you, I will remember you always…”
24 May 03: Tina and I went to Dan Staley’s memorial service today. It was an incredible service with most of the guys showing up in uniform. The chapel was packed and Dan was given full military honors with a 21 gun salute. It was really great to see Brooke but I absolutely lost it when I hugged her. She made a point to tell me that I “HAD” to beat this thing as we’ve lost too many times. I will continue on in my journey, but another part of me is gone. Dan takes a little piece of all who knew him as he continues on. The pastor made a point in telling us that we are not leaving Dan behind, he is going on ahead to make room for us at the end. I will cherish this thought and look forward to seeing him again one day. To Brooke, Sami, Josi, and all of the Staley’s, thanks for allowing me to share in Dan’s service. I will remember this always. My thoughts and prayers go out to them as they continue on…
28 May 03: Another good blood test behind me! Went to do my medical review today and decided to get the blood test out of the way. All is well I'm glad to say. I am on vacation this week, but it seems I have been busier than when I am working! Too many "to-do's" to get done. I am busy cleaning up the back yard and getting the house in order. I need a day or two to just sit around and do nothing but can't seem to find the time. It's probably for the best because I get a little paranoid when I'm not busy. These "revelations" are pretty corny, but I had another one. I saw one of the most beautiful sunsets last night. The sky was clear blue with a small cloud layer on the horizon. The clouds had a pinkish red lining and I felt like I was in the end of "Happy Gillmore" when Adam Sandler looks up and sees his golfing coach, only I saw Dan Staley and Ken Tatum. I know I was just inserting this picture in my mind, but they looked so peaceful, waving down from above with big smiles only their faces. I gave them a wink and went back to work on the yard. I keep saying this, but it's strange how we think of things when we're cutting the grass or working alone. I felt at peace with the world and that was pretty neat. I miss these two guys a bunch. We haven't spoken to each other in almost a year and I feel as though I lost out by not seeing them near the end. I suppose these things are beyond our control but my steel trap mind reminds me every day of their struggle and how free they are now. I thank God every day for allowing me into their lives and for the inspiration they have given me. I continue to pray that their families find peace in the thought that a part of each of them is with me as I continue on my journey. The chess game is ongoing, I see checkmate in nine moves. Ken and Dan are excellent coaches and, with their help, I will win this cruel game. The Lord works in mysterious ways as He allows me to continue but takes them away. I'll never understand those things that are beyond my ability to comprehend. I continue to thank the Lord for His continued blessings and muster the will to continue. Just over 510 days to go. As always, tomorrow will be better...
13 June 03: I had to get another blood test today because the doctor reviewing my waiver to fly said my glucose is too high. Turns out, he's right. It's not bad, just a little high. There are a lot of things that can cause this. One possibility is my pancreas was affected during chemo and is not processing sugar as well as it should. This is not something to worry about as my glucose level is just barely high, it's just another hiccup on the road to flying. I will get it rechecked in 2 weeks when I am at Keesler for my quarterly checkup. Dr Wood, my oncologist, will make a determination as to whether or not this is an issue. There are a few other tests that can be done that will tell if this is isolated or not. Worst case scenario, I will be considered slightly diabetic and that will have to go into the waiver form. It is not affected my health, but will cause a change in my diet. I am more concerned about my Alkaline Phosphatase as this was high my last time at Keesler. I haven't had it checked since March. It will be checked on 30 June as well. High levels can indicate bone tumors or other issues. Not an issue yet, just something that is on my mind. Other than that, my blood looks great. Normal is a good thing. Believe it or not, my potassium is actually high this time. That's pretty crazy since I've spent most of my time looking for more potassium in things. I am still so thankful to be going strong that these minor things aren't really affecting my overall well being. i am gearing up for another good trip in about 6 weeks. I've been home too long again and the "get on the road" bug is biting. Two weeks in Europe is just what the doctor ordered! If all goes well at Keesler, I finish the waiver paperwork the first week in July (only a year late!) and can be flying as early as the next day! Pretty exiting considering the last 18 months. Everything else is the same here, Tina is getting ready for some vacation time pretty soon and a casino trip can't be too far off! Next update 1 July 03!
30 June 03: Another quarterly checkup complete! I drove to Keesler AFB today (155 miles of pouring rain) for my checkup and got the "all clear" again. It feels so much better when I get done with these appointments. I was dreading going all the way there and whistling all the way home. Dr Wood, my Oncologist, was pleased with my current health and was very optimistic today. That always makes the day better. My glucose was just barely high at 119 (118 is normal), so no worries there. He told me it's just one of those things. My liver is functioning well (GGT of 22...7-50 is normal), my kidneys look great, and my counts are all normal. My Alk Phos (the one I was worried about last time) is completely normal. I will chase down the flight doctor this week and get this stinking flight waiver complete! I know this is all medical jargon to a lot of you, but each count means something and they all kind of tie together when you're looking for indications of a problem. That doesn't mean that I'm cured as there is a reason they call is ACUTE myloid leukemia! It just means that, as of today, I'm healthy as a horse (preferably a live horse!) I have a TDY coming up to Europe again and I don't want anything screwing it up. I stopped up at my old hospital ward and shared a few thoughts on Dan Staley and Ken Tatum. The staff seemed to appreciate that as we all miss these guys a bunch. Ken and Dan pulled through for me this time as they keep telling me not to worry (inside my warped head). Next update in a few weeks. AS always, tomorrow will be better...
19 Jul 03: Believe it or not, my flight waiver was approved yesterday by the command! I begin flying in a few weeks! I can not explain how unbelievably excited I am. I am going to do a blood test on Monday and I have to get a physical (again) in a few weeks. Once this stuff is complete, I have to do all of my ground training (about 3 straight days of classroom time), my land and water survival training (basically, they tie you to a bungee rope, throw you in the ocean, and drag you from a boat for awhile), a few aircraft trainers (an instructor gunner breaks the guns about 300 times and I fix it), a few flights with an instructor (the same instructor breaks the guns while we fly), and a flight examination. Sounds like a lot of stuff, but it's what I've been fighting for! I have to thank Ken Tatum as he proved there was a way! Ken and Dan are still looking out for me! OK, the other stuff...everything is completely normal here and I would love to keep it that way. As I said, I have a blood test Monday morning and that satisfies my July requirement. I realize that the road is still difficult and the recovery is a lengthy one, but this is another big hurdle for me. Thank you God! I think we ask God for a lot and always seem to forget Him when things are well. I feel pretty thankful every day as He has shown little old me that there is more to life than the little things we seem so preoccupied with. I keep looking at the big picture but I think my glasses are bad because it seems fuzzy! Oh well, I guess He'll lead me along a little further. It's like there is this voice that says "take a step". Once you take one, you take another one, and then another one. Pretty soon you're walking all over without really noticing. Giant leaps all start with baby steps. My baby steps are progressing well. As always, tomorrow will be better...
15 Aug 03: Well, it has been quite a while since my last update. I am happy to say that not much has changed and I have been away for most of the last month. I left for a trip to Europe just after my last update and did not get home until last week. It was great getting back on the road and I got quite a bit of work done. I am busy in school (taking political science at Troy State University) and getting ready to start flying next week! Yes, the waiver process has finally turned my way. I have a flight physical on Monday, water survival right after that, and my flight on Thursday. After that, I have a couple of more flights the following week and then an evaluation flight. I am pretty excited and SO ready to get back in the airplane! Tina left this week to go to Buffalo to visit the family. She is having fun and getting some much needed vacation time. It's amazing how much we take our spouses for granted. Tina is my saving grace and I don't appreciate her enough. On the Leukemia side of the house, no news to report. I still get pretty paranoid about every 2-3 days. It seems like there is a train wreck out there and I can't let it go. My mind gets going and I start getting nervous. There is no rational reason for this as I am completely back to work, doing normal things around the house, and living a normal life. It just seems like that pitfall is out there. I feel like I am riding a wave in shark-infested waters. The sharks may never strike but you know that their out there. The only way out of this is to get out of the water. The problem is that I am having too much fun in this sea of life. It seems too easy to quit when things are scary. Oh well, I guess I'll just ride the waves a little longer. I have another blood test in a week or so. Next update after that (and my flight report!) As always, tomorrow will be better...
20 Aug 03: Okey Dokey, another monthly CBC complete! My counts looked great (actually, they've never looked better). I completed all of my ground requirements and have signed all of my paperwork. Next stop is my flight tomorrow! I have a few flights as an unqualified gunner and then an evaluation flight next week. I am pretty excited about this and I've been going over my procedures all week. It's getting close now and I don't want anything to screw this up. I should be complete by this time next week. The most important thing for any newly diagnosed patient is to never lose faith. I honestly believe that if I had given up at any point (at certain moments, quitting would have been quite easy), I would not be where I am today. Remember that God has a plan for all of us and we have to accept that on faith. I have put my complete faith in Him and I trust whatever happens as part of a larger plan. It's easy to quit, to question, and to blame when things are not going well. I have decided that this wacky merry-go-round of life is just too difficult to try to figure out. I know that I don't thank God enough when things are going well, so thank you dear Lord! I have been so blessed by a strong family, a wonderful wife that has always been with me, and an unbelievable support system of friends that have prayed and pulled for me when things were bad. Without everyone, it would have been much more difficult. I'm reminded of that "footprints" story where a guy and God are walking on the beach and suddenly there is only one set of footprints. The guy asks God "why did you leave me?" God answers "you silly idiot (not really, but I like the humor in it!), that's where I carried you!" I feel like God and this incredible support system lined up to take turns carrying me when the chips were down. I owe so many people so much that I am simply overwhelmed at times. The bottom line is to never give up and remember that you are NEVER alone. Thank you to all of those people that took turns smacking me around until I realized I wasn't alone! As always, tomorrow will be airborne and better!!!!
29 Aug 03: Well, I have finally managed to fly again. I flew on Wednesday and Thursday nights and had a couple of very productive flights. I can't believe how rusty I was at some of the common tasks that I used to take for granted. I was supposed to fly on Monday, but I had a cold and it kicked my butt. I took it easy and played it safe. I fly again next Tuesday and have an evaluation on Thursday to get completely requalified in the aircraft. So far so good. On the medical side, still no news. I am doing the usual stuff and waiting for my next trip to Keesler in about a month. I'll get a blood test in about three weeks to fill my monthly square. Sorry for the boring update, but boring is good in this case!
1 Sep 03: I had a bit of a scare this weekend. On Thursday night, I bumped my knee pretty good while flying. I didn't think much of it and shook it off. When I looked on Friday afternoon, I had a purple bruise. Not big, about the size of a quarter, but it scared the living daylights out of me. It was on the outside of my knee and was the same color as the bruises I had when I was originally diagnosed in Oct 01. I decided to let it go to see if it would go away. Then the thoughts returned! I realized I had just had a cold and thought maybe the bruise was the 2nd sign. On Sunday, Tina talked me into going to the emergency room at Eglin AFB to get it checked out. 2 1/2 hours later, I went back up to the counter and said all I need is a blood test. They finally put it into the computer and I went to the lab. Needless to say, I am fine. I never did see the doctor as I walked up and said to show me the results. When I saw my platelets were 282 and my WBC's were 6.4 with normal differential, I said disregard and left. I feel much better now and I can now enjoy the rest of my Labor Day weekend! I can't overemphasize that if you have something out of the ordinary happen, don't wait to get it checked out. Thanks God for bailing me out again!
18 Sep 03: Not much to report here other than all is well. I am a fully qualified gunner once again! I, somehow, managed to pass my flight evaluation and am actively flying again. It's so good to clear another hurdle and get back on the road to normalcy. I have another blood test next week and everything else is normal. It has been an unbelievably busy two weeks as I had my flights, some visitors in town for work, school, and my normal job. Top all of this with normal house stuff and I have had zero personal time, nor a day off, in about a month. I am on vacation until 1 Oct now and plan on getting all of those little things done again. I have another trip to Germany in a few weeks. What a horrible life I lead! I fly for a living and they make me go to Europe every month or so. I am so abused! Seriously though, I have some great spiritual help with Ken Tatum and Dan Staley as I continue my journey with these two brave warriors in my daily thoughts. Every time I get down, it seems as though they appear to kick me in my rear and get me going again. I believe God had them join Him to keep me in line. These are my Angels and I draw strength from them every day. Remember to always look forward but remember what's passed as it helps you identify with who you are. As always...
1 Oct 03: God is a pretty good dude! I went for my monthly blood test again and got the "all clear". Getting that out of the way is so uplifting as it really helps my mental state. I am going flying today so this is just one good week for the Smitty! My mind gets so ridiculously paranoid around blood test time that it drives me crazy! They didn't get the results in until today so last night I was just thinking about all of the "what ifs" and it really gets me down. When I got the results, I let out another sigh of relief and enjoyed the rest of my day. Does everyone else who has an illness like this think the way I do? It feels like a roller coaster without the safety bar down. As I climb the hill, I know I'd better hang on or out I'll go. Something keeps telling me that I'll be OK but then the first big drop comes and I almost fall out! Then the blood test results come back and I enjoy the ride. It's like a cruel circle. The beginning on the month I feel great and do all the normal things. The middle of the month I start to think a little bit but quickly block it out. Then there's that last week of the month. I always think that next month I'll be much better but it never turns out that way. The few days leading up to the blood test are the absolute pits. I smile and joke around with everyone but it's ALWAYS there. It's like a debt is overdue and I'm out of money. I bluff my way through each month but wonder will I be able to fool them next month. I wish this next year would hurry up and pass. Until then, I'll continue this stupid cat and mouse game that is my life...
19 Oct 03: Not much new to report here. I just returned from another trip to Germany and I got a cold as soon as I got home. The weather in Europe was pretty chilly and wet which led straight to the crud. I took it easy all last weekend and have been coughing all week. It's wierd how your mind immediately goes into paranoid mode as soon as you get sick. I'll get a blood test in a week and set up for the next month. Each day, I am getting a little better at dealing with the anxiety of not being sick. Remission can be, at times, like a disease itself. No matter where you go, it hangs over your head. The best way to deal with it is to just not worry too much. Sounds easy but it is difficult at times. Anyways, everything else is fine and I continue to thank God every day for His continued blessings. Seems easy to forget about Him when you don't need anything. I usually call upstairs just to check in and I ask God to say hi to Dan and Ken for me. Always remember, it's not how long you live but how much you live. Think I'll go and live a little...tomorrow will be better...
4 Nov 03: Another good blood test complete. I still get ridiculously nervous when these things come around. I can not believe it has been two years since I started induction chemo. On one hand, I remember it so clearly that I can taste the strange metallic taste that I had. On the other hand, it seems so long ago that I hardly remember all of the terrible memories. What a precious gift life is... Anyways, all is still well and I am getting ready for another few busy months. I have been flying my butt off and keeping so busy that I haven't had much time to worry about this stupid disease. As always...
20 Nov 03: Wow! I just returned tonight from 11 days in Lithuania and Poland. All I can say is it sure is good to be home again! Being overseas is so different in the fact that you live out of a suitcase and can't find much in english on the tube, but it is a totally different lifestyle. I love going to Europe as it gives me a good perspective on how similar we are and how different we are. The reason I mention this is to let those folks out there who are suffering from this dreaded disease know that you can return to a normal life. Don't let life's trials keep you down. If you fight, you can win! Sometimes it's in God's master plan and sometimes He has better ideas. Either way, trust in His plan. I have received quite a few emails and guestbook entries recently. For those folks newly diagnosed with an illness, know that you are not alone just as I have realized this after reading so many wonderful entries. I continue to pray for each of you. As for the medical folks that have emailed (Laura, Beau, and others, just to name a few), please know that what you do does make a difference. Never stop believing in the miracle that you provide every day. Doctors and nurses are a gift and it's important to remember that. Also remember that the person in room 7112 or on floor 7, or in the clinic is just that...a person. As a patient I am probably a nurse's worst nightmare (obsessive compulsive and pseudo-knowledgeable). As a survivor, I am a humble man that realizes that these folks provide the gift of life. Thank you to all of you and please continue to love what you do as it does make a difference. OK, finally, no news is still good news with me. I am keeping busy as ever and feeling great. I continue to look forward and plan for the future but I am careful to reflect daily on the events that changed my life. I for one, realize that life is precious and God is with me! As always, tomorrow will be better...
6 Dec 03: I had a bit of a scare again this past week. I woke up on Thanksgiving day and had what I thought was a swollen lymph node under my right arm. Naturally, I procrastinated for a day or so and decided to go in to get everything checked out. Needless to say, all is well (physically anyways!) It gets so ridiculously tiring going through the panic motions every time something unusual happens. They say that one day all of this will fade like a memory. I guess that one day isn't here yet because those things scare the hell out of me! Other than my bimonthly panic attack, everything else is progressing well. I can believe that we're nearing the 300 days to go countdown in a month or so. I'm ready to get that counter on the homepage to the point where it's adding days! until then, I'll stay the course and schedule my next panic attack for late January!
26 Dec 03: Happy Holidays to all! Tina an I wish to extend our warmest wishes to all during this holiday season. Too many families are missing loved ones because of the war on terror. Too many families have lost loved ones because of all of this senseless violence. As a military member, I do what I'm told without hesitation to help defend this great nation against any potential threat. As a Christian and a member of this world, I can't help but think that there must be a better way. Violence begets violence and it is such a waste of all that God have given us. Maybe this upcoming year will prove to be a more peaceful one and we can all learn to work together to make this world a better place. On the homefront, all is still well. I continue to move forward to put this disease a little further behind me. Another blood test is looming like an impending battle. I hope that God's plans include me hanging around here a little while longer. I feel great and am living life to it's fullest. It is my hope that God's blessings on me pass to others that are less fortunate. It is so important to keep faith in His perfect plan. Thank you Lord for these last two years as they have shown me so many wonderful sides to so many wonderful people all around the world. It is in my faith in God that I realize that the world is truly connected. We are all servants of a higher being. Let's try to spend the new year serving Him a little better and fighting with each other a little less. It takes one person to make a difference. Can you say that you've made a difference?
18 Jan 04: Wow, it's been a month since my last entry. I have been just unbelievably busy! This is always a good thing as it means another month has passed without me getting overly paranoid. I have a scheduled blood test this week and my mind is getting a little busy with the "thoughts" but I'm keeping positive. I've had a lot of visitors in this week from all over the world so it's been quite hectic. I realized that it's been a year since Ken Tatum passed and that really made me reflect on how life's priorities can alter your perception. It seems so easy to forget the entire experience and to put it out of your mind. I think that's the "test" of faith. How much you remember to thank God and those people who prayed and pulled for you. When things are good, you don't think "why is this happening to me?" you can bet you think that when things are bad. I'm so terribly fortunate to have a strong family, wonderful friends (both here and in thoughts), and positive thoughts of a couple of great role models (Ken and Dan). These guys have left us physically but I remember them daily and use them as a guide. I was praying the other day and just said "Thanks" to God. I don't need anything right now and I'm content with where I'm "at". Try to thank Him from time to time as it does make a difference. I did ask Him to divert and help to me to others in much greater need. I never question His motives, I just wonder why sometimes. Oh well, that's bigger than me! Other than that, everything is the same. I'll update more this week after the blood tests...keep positive...you are never alone...
21 Jan 04: Another blood test complete! It feels so good to be done with that. I have won another battle, but I continue to fight to win the war. Leukemia is like a civil war in your body. One moment everything calms down and then, suddenly, there is a huge uprising in your marrow. The uprising spreads to the entire body and, before you know it, total chaos ensues. I am "policing" myself pretty well and my workouts are in full swing. I am running 1.5 to 2 miles per day and making the most out of my time. That stinking blood test is a true paradox. How can something make you feel so bad yet so good? Every test complete is one step closer to the end. Keesler AFB Oncology is done with me and Eglin AFB never really tracked me. I am kind of on my own to make sure I continue with the blood tests. The flight docs work with me as they know my obsessive compulsive behavior is more strict than any orders they can prescribe. Everyone just stays out of the way and lets me run my profile. God is one good dude for looking out for me. No matter what happens in the long run, I feel so fortunate to have had the chance to put everything in order. Next test will be in early March so I have at least a month of paranoia free living! Today is good...tomorrow will be better...
9 Mar 04: It has been way too long since my last entry. First of all, I am fine. I had another blood test yesterday and all is still clear. I was kind of worried about it but, once again, the green light allows me to relax! I have basically been away from home since my last entry. I went to Australia, New Zealand, Denver, and Wyoming since my last update (see updates in photo gallery). Like I said, one busy month! We just finished up with a bunch of visitors from all over the world and it's been an exciting run. I am leaving again very soon for Norway and look forward to some more time on the slopes. While I was in Denver, we headed up to Loveland Ski Resort for some good pictures and skiing. Boy am I out of shape. I simply can not remember having more fun than I did that day. It was just what the doctor ordered. Again, the medical front continues to be good and I am living each day to the fullest. I am flying like crazy and loving life. The goal is, no matter what life throws at you, never give up. I remember the "dark times" and looked forward to better days. These positive thoughts kept me going and I realize now that life is pretty much like a roller coaster. When you're at the low point, think of how fun the ride is. I don't know when this ride will end for me, but I plan to enjoy the view until it does!
5 Apr 04: Another test complete. I am trying to stay on schedule to do these tests but something always gets me off track. My goal is to get back to doing them the last week of the month. I have a busy work schedule this month so I won't be able to get it done. My next test will be toward the end of May. Next week it will be 2 years since that great afternoon I spent with Ken Tatum back at Keesler AFB. I think of those days often and question why things happen. The answer is so simple that you don't even notice it. It's part of a plan that God has and, as long as you have faith in His plan, you'll see it. I feel like I am half way through a movie and I figured out the plot. I don't want t o spoil it for the rest so I'll keep my thoughts on the matter private. I will tell you that, if you look around you and truly notice what God has done, the answer will appear. It's like one of those magic eye pictures where you spend so much time looking at the "noise" that you miss the picture. Things happen for a reason even if we don't understand it. Ken was big on God's plan and I, for one, felt so fortunate to have known him. Another guy that really made a profound impact on me was Dan Staley. Dan passed almost 11 months ago but it feels like yesterday. He was a pretty neat guy who put his family first and fought hard for them. I believe Dan and Ken are both here today, watching over us and guiding us through troubling times. If you find yourself at the "low of lows", look around and really notice the picture. If your fortunate, you'll spot it and it should give you such an incredible sense of calm. The big picture, as they say, can be intimidating but is also pretty neat. What do you see...the picture or just noise? As always, tomorrow will be better...
5 May 04: Again, I am totally surprised that a month has passed since my last update. I have been keeping so unbelievably busy that time is just ticking away. I just finished up with a bunch of visitors from overseas and that "occupied" my life for the past 2 weeks. I am having a bit of an identity crisis with no lost luggage or "emergencies" to deal with. Transitioning back to everyday life is pretty hard after 16-20 hour days for a few weeks. On the medical side, all is well. I still need to get the blood results posted from a few weeks ago but they were fine. My next blood test is around 25 May so I have at least a week before the paranoia starts again. I am off in two days on another trip overseas for a couple of weeks so that should keep me busy until the blood test arrives. There are a lot of entries into the guestbook (minus the jackass that advertises for palm oil...what kind of absolute idiot uses a cancer site to get in some free advertising for industry oil? Tina deleted the entry from the guestbook!). continuing...and I'm getting a handful of emails from fairly new remission patients. All I can say is you make your own destiny in a lot of ways. Look at it like this, you're either going to stay in remission or your not. There is nothing you can do about it. It's what you do with your life when you have the chance that makes the difference. God does not discriminate when He decides it's time for you to get a room with a view. There are lots of options until that time and live each day like you always say you would if you had the chance. I also saw one of my old Drs signing in (Hi Dr Bimson), all I can say to his patients is, be careful that he doesn't treat you after the Ultimate Fighting Challenge is on (see...I remember). Kidding, I've been very fortunate as all of my docs have been very capable (even as they're trying to get you to swallow a pill the size of Texas!) In closing, live each day to it's fullest, talk to God and get to know his plan, avoid Dr Bimson when UFC is on, and buy Palm Oil when you're heavy equipment is running a little hot. As always, tomorrow will be better...
21 May 04: Well, paranoia will have to wait another month as my blood test was normal again. I have turned it into a game of sorts. When I show up at the lab (as you can imagine, they all know me by now), I try to guess what my counts are going to be before the results come in. This is my way of dealing with the anxiety of the wait. When they come in, I'm usually off my a few tenths here or there. It's actually pretty funny when I get them right on. The guys at the lab guess as well and we see who's closest. I'm pretty lucky as most of the folks I deal with are really good. People complain about the military health care system but I've seen almost entirely excellent results. The down side is that there are so many new people there and I can't get in to see a flight doc without an appointment. I'm just looking to make sure someone is tracking me. The bad side (is you can even call it a bad side) of being healthy for so long is that all of the docs that knew my case well have left for another assignment and no one at the clinic knows the "nuts and bolts" of my situation. This usually spells quite a lot of time "catching up" with the doc that handles me on a particular week. It's both frustrating and time consuming to not be able to "fast track" my case through the system. According to the military system, since 1940 only 9 leukemia cases have been presented for a waiver with 4 being approved and only 1 (Lt Col Tatum) AML case. I guess I make number 2. Ken Tatum made my case easier to get through the system (again, my guardian angel!) My next big hurdle is to get back to worldwide qualified and that should happen in November of this year. I am pleading hard for this and we'll see what happens. Other than that, all is well here as I continue to plug along on my boring life (boring is good!) I was in Europe for the past few weeks and got sick right as we came home. Sitting in a hotel room in London thinking about a pending blood test while dealing with the crud is no way to spend your time! Anyway, continuing on my journey and looking forward to what's ahead! As always, tomorrow will be better...
9 Jun 04: Vacation! I am on my first vacation in more than 2 years! It feels very strange not knowing what to do with your day. I have made a list of things I need to get done around the house. I have quite a few projects I've been putting off because I've been so busy. My next blood test is in a few weeks and we'll hold off on the paranoia until around the 22nd! Tina and I are leaving for Las Vegas in a week to do some serious gambling and mandatory relaxation. We're pretty excited and ready to go. Other than that, nothing new is happening. I'll write more after the next blood test...
6 Jul 04: What a busy month! you're supposed to relax and do nothing while on vacation and I've done everything except relax! We started June off with a trip to exciting Las Vegas where we significantly improved the Las Vegas economy by donating all of our vacation money to the numerous casinos. We lost, but we had tons of fun and gambled our heads off. After that, we were home for 2 days and realized we had a little money left over so we headed to Biloxi for more gambling (and more losing!) I think the gambling bug is out of our system. I hope so as we can't afford many trips like that...but it was really fun! This past week, we headed up to my parents house for the holidays and spent the weekend water skiing and tubing. It was so much fun and I am sore and sun burnt. We are finishing up my vacation with a trip to Detroit tomorrow for a wedding and some family time. Looking forward to this last trip as it will be good to see the extended family again. I haven't seen many of them since the 80's! I didn't realize how much time had passed until I got ready for this trip. On the medical side, my blood test was fine and I have a complete flight physical scheduled for the 14th of July. Once I get through with that, I prep for a complete return to normal status. I am hoping to have all of the restrictions, with the exception of the monthly blood test removed. I feel so fortunate to have had these good months and we've been trying to live life to the fullest as you never know when it can be taken away. I pray each day that God will continue to bless me with good health and I trust in His plan. Seems like a good way to live life. With God on your side, it's easy to say tomorrow will be better...
14 Jul 04: Had a bit of a scare today. I went to the clinic for my flight physical and, during my exam, the flight doc noticed "thrush" in my mouth. Thrush is a yeast type of bacteria or growth. This spawned a bunch of questions about steroids and other meds I've taken during chemo. When he consulted the oncology clinic at Keesler AFB, they told him to do a Leukemia test on me. Basically, I went back to the hospital and they drew 4 more vials of blood (bringing today's total up to 7 vials from both arms!) I was pretty concerned when they mention doing Leukemia tests on me. Turns out, the doc at Keesler AFB was not my usual doc and had no idea who I was. The usual thing is to do a complete screen on someone prior to recommending any action. My waiver is in progress so I'm counting the 7-10 days until this test comes back. The lab where it's being sent will do a complete "flow cytometry" test and look at everything. My blood counts have all been great so we'll see what the results bring. I'm looking at this as a pretty good opportunity to declare that I've kicked Leukemia out of me for good. It's easy to get worried, but everything else is completely normal so I'm not going to get overly concerned over nothing. Still, this is a pretty crappy way to keep the paranoia away! Every time I get close to leaving this stuff behind me, something like this happens to bring the nerves back up to full warming mode. We'll eagerly stand by to see what this massive test is all about. Not much to do other than keep a positive outlook and pray for good results...
23 Jul 04: Whew! The official report is back. "No immunophenotypically abnormal cell population was identified". That's fancy medical jumbo for "good to go". I went to the clinic to get my results and they couldn't find my medical records. The gal at reception said, the electronic report says "see patient charts or the doctor (that's never good news!) and your charts are in your records, and we can't find them". So I carefully replied "Oh yes you will!". After an hour of waiting we received a fax from the lab that did the test and it appears I'm healthy. So, once again, I thank God for His continued blessings and respectfully ask him for a small miracle..."Please give the doctors of the world better patient understanding skills". They call you in, tell you "this is nothing to worry about", then tell you to get a Leukemia test because of some "abnormal" readings. You calmly (sort of) go and get the blood drawn and tell the doc "please let me know when the results are in". The results come in and 4 DAYS LATER you find out about it and not even from the doctor but from your keen sense of the disturbed medical system. I shouldn't complain, but it's a bit unnerving to get a serious test and then...nothing...nothing...nothing from them. It's as if you couldn't care less what the results are. All is well, I have my notes, and I am studying for my next blood test! Tomorrow will be better...
23 Aug 04: Obviously, I'm going to use the "I've been busy" line again. It's true. We got home from our trip to Michigan a little over a month ago and, since then, I've been gone for a week, had my cousins in town for 10 days, and been flying my tail off. This is the first chance I've had to sit down and type. On one hand, it's great to have time just zipping by. On the other, I should take time out and enjoy all the God has put out there. It's so difficult to truly appreciate friends, family, and this great world when you fell fine. It's when things are down that you realize how precious life can be. I need to remember that and keep my thoughts on those who haven't been as fortunate. I very good friend of mine is going through some pretty tough chemo right now (get well Dan!) I keep my thoughts on him and pray that all will be well. I thought of my old guide Mach today. He was reminding me of how things work out for a reason. Mach's strength and his dedication to his family helped me realize how truly connected we all are. Mach and Dan Staley are playing cards up there right now and having a ball. I miss these guys and look forward to seeing them again one day. Until then, I plan to live life to it's fullest and take nothing for granted. My waiver to get on the road is in works and, hopefully, I'll be able to resume unrestricted duties soon. I am flying quite a bit and loving every minute of it. The sad thing is I suddenly feel older. We have so many younger folks around today that it seems as though I grew up all of a sudden. A little older, a little wiser, a lot happier to be alive! Good days are quick, bad days take forever. Remember the good days and they'll carry you through. As always, tomorrow will be better...
1 Oct 04: What a busy month! With all of these hurricanes, it's a miracle I'm even back to write this. We decided to hit the road to get out of Hurricane Ivan's path a few weeks ago and that was one smart move. 122 MPH winds were recorded just 3 miles away! Unfortunately, our house took a bit of a beating and I've been spending a lot of time fixing it. We decided to remove a bad part of the roof and fix it. This process required quite a few bundles of shingles and some serious man hours. Tina and I are becoming quite the carpenters! On the medical front, I am getting a blood test next week (at least I'll update more than once this month!) and am starting to approach the 3 year mark. I'm getting pretty nervous as this is all I've thought about for 2 1/2 years and, suddenly, here it is! I know that it's not a "firm" date, but it is a little different counting "up" instead of counting down. Maybe this is a sign that all is well...I'll write more after the blood test when I can exhale again!
16 Oct 04: Another good blood test down! That's 27 consecutive good ones and that is good news. I have been extremely active lately with all of this hurricane cleanup and, when you cut trees and move debris, you do tend to cut yourself. I had cuts up and down my legs that all healed very well and that helped my paranoia quite a bit. I felt pretty good going into my blood test this month knowing my platelets were doing their job. When the results came back, I breathed another sigh of relief. I am working my waiver to return to unrestricted duty. I feel confident that, with some praying and good luck, the doctors will let me resume normal life. If you noticed the countdown ticker on the cover page, you'll notice we're getting down to the 10 day mark (we'll probably remove the ticker shortly so if it's not there when you look, trust me, that ticker ruled my life for 3 years!). Regardless of what the medical folks say, I have my health, my faith, and my family and friends. All of these things combine to make the total package and that makes all the difference in the world. If anyone gets this disease, remember to keep your psychological well being in check as well as your physical health. It takes both to ride the roller coaster that is this disease. I don't ever use the word "cure" when I think about this because the physical aspects become secondary to how you "feel" internally. Your mental health when dealing with this disease swings from healthy to extremely sick. You have to recognize the "moment" you're in and realize that it is just that...a moment. When you're at the low of lows, recall the good times and have faith that they'll be back again. Out of tragedy comes incredible tests of faith and spirit. If you can keep both of these going, regardless of the outcome, you'll be fine. You may not continue on this journey in the physical sense, but your mind will be clear and you'll trust God's plan. With His plan in motion, the outcome is already determined. It may not be understood by family and friends, but you'll have peace with the knowledge that His plan is perfect. Whether here or in heaven, tomorrow will be better...
2 Dec 04: As usual, I've neglected this update for awhile. I was overseas again for a bit which led to the lapse in coverage. I'm back and still in good spirits. I have an appointment as Keesler AFB oncology next Tuesday (7 Dec). I'm pretty paranoid about going there but I feel great and my counts look great so I should just get it over with. My counts from 19 Nov are actually a little higher than normal. 8.3 white blood cell count is the highest it's been since my Neupogen and chemo days but it's still middle normal. I get freaked out really easy when things vary just a bit. The good news is my hemoglobin and hematocrit are the highest they've been and that means good oxygen consumption! I guess I'll just have to accept that I'm pretty normal (well normal when it comes to blood work anyways!) I'll make his one a short posting since I'm sure I'll update following the results next week. I am still flying my tail off and loving life. Live life to it's fullest as you never know when this precious gift is going to be taken away. As always, tomorrow will be better...
7 Dec 04: Just got home from my trip to Keesler Oncology and all is great! Dr Wood is all for lifting any restrictions on me. This means life should go back to normal on the deployment front. It's what I've wanted since this whole ordeal began. My blood looked great and he even recommended going to quarterly CBC's vs monthly draws. Let's hope the medical board says the same thing. I am sick of offering my arms to the paranoia gods every month. This is a big step on the road to putting this behind me forever! One day at a time...
5 Jan 05: Happy New Year! Not much new to report here. I am still fighting with the "system" to allow me to return to "unrestricted" duty. Should know more this week hopefully! I tell you, this system is crazy as I've had 2 oncologists and 2 flight surgeons give me the "green light" but the paperwork has not been fixed. I guess I'll be patient as this merry-go-round comes full circle. After all, I feel great and everything remains "middle normal". Christmas was good and everything else is rather uneventful. Blood test in 2 weeks, I'll update more after that or if I hear any news. Today is a good day but tomorrow will be better...
12 Jan 05: Unrestricted duty! I can now return to doing what I do without restrictions. I still have to get my waiver renewed every year, and I still have to get blood tests quarterly, but everything else goes back to the way it was before I got sick. I can deploy, go on exercises, and fly anywhere in the world. The only thing that will not be the way is was before is me. I have a new outlook on life and treat it like the precious gift it is. While my physical life returns more and more to normal every day, my spiritual life is deeply in tune with the fact that I am in God's hands. If He wants to change my course, He will. I trust in His plan completely and, after conversing with my good advisor Fr John Kiselica, I trust that His plan is still perfect. Fr John is one of those guys that I seem to turn to for advise and guidance. He understands the mixture between the Air Force and religion, and the conflict that can occur between them. His guidance always seems to put things into perspective...thanks Fr John! OK, enough babbling for me. Next update after my next blood test late next week. As always, tomorrow will be better...
25 Jan 05: Good news, bad news...the good news is I have been cleared for unrestricted duty. The bad news is all of those "things" I've been exempt from are now back in full form. I've been doing chemical warfare classes, getting more shots than I thought were possible again. Anthrax, Smallpox, Flu shots, HIV tests, annual vaccinations, and every other "needle-bearing" gift they could think of! My arms are killing me and I'll probably get sick from the flu shot! It is so nice to finally clear that hurdle. I can now feel like a normal member of my unit. I look forward to wherever this journey of life takes me. I am so blessed to know that God has a plan for me. I don't have to know what it is, I just have to trust that it will be revealed along the way. It's kind of like a great adventure. The physical leg is ongoing, the spiritual leg will be here soon enough. Ride the wave and you'll experience peace. Challenge the wave and down you'll go. I'm having a pretty darn good time riding it!
9 Apr 05: Well, obviously it has been too long again. At least this time it's for a good reason. I was removed from any medical restrictions and have returned to normal duty. This means that I'll be pretty busy with a full schedule from here on out. On the medical side, all is well...my blood looked great and I am down to quarterly CBC's and semi-annual chem panels. I have so much to be thankful for and it's easy to not pause and thank God for His continued blessings when things are going good. I try to make sure I do this every day. Sometimes I forget and then something reminds me that, no matter how crazy my life seems to get, it's still small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. I continue my journey and enjoy each day to it's fullest. As usual, tomorrow will be better...
15 Feb 06: Holy cow...what a long time since my last update! All I can say is that I have been away! I know that's a lame excuse but it really is true. This has been one of the busiest years of my life. I really think you should hinge on that if you find yourself going through chemo right now...4 years ago, I spiked a fever and was in the hospital. I had just finished my 2nd round of HiDAC and the fever nearly killed me. I remember SO clearly sitting in the hospital room thinking to myself that it would NEVER end! I thought everything I knew about life was over. I figured I would be relegated to drastically changing my life to accommodate this crappy disease. Well, my life has drastically changed...for the BETTER! I feel so healthy and appreciate life SO much that it makes me so motivated to stay involved. I thank God every day for allowing me to experience this precious gift that we call life. I might die tomorrow, next week, next year, or in 50 years...who knows and who cares! It's HOW you live and what you do with your life that make the difference. My family and my friends, coupled with my faith in God, make it easy to press on with life. Paranoia is pretty much a thing of the past and I really feel great. I look back on the great memories I have of the wonderful folks that went through all of this with me and all of those who prayed for me. My life is a gift and I plan to treat it that way. If you find yourself depressed or not sure what to do, remember...it's never that bad...time will heal everything. It may not heal you physically, but spiritually all will be well. As always...yesterday was AWESOME and made me stronger...tomorrow will be better...
24 Sep 06: OK...I am terrible at keeping this journal updated. Truth is, I have been so busy with work and life that I forget to stop and smell the roses from time to time. All is very well and I have been going at the speed of light for quite a while now. Nothing unusual to report other than my flying waiver is now permanent (does not require renewal). One thing I do not like is, ever since Hurricane Katrina took out my hospital in Biloxi, I've been kind of "dropped" from the system. I have a backup plan here at Eglin AFB in Florida. I've even made a complete copy of my records for them to keep on file. What's strange is that no one has checked up on me...maybe that means there's nothing to worry about. I keep up with my blood work and make sure I get it done quarterly. Next month is 5 years since all of this started. It's amazing to me to think how much I've changed, yet stayed the same these past 5 years. The only thing I know for sure is that I take NOTHING for granted. I appreciate life so much, although when I look back at my diagnosis and treatment, it seems like an old movie that I watched. I can remember the scenes, but not really much beyond that. I don't ever want to forget. Live life, love life, and be well! As always, today was better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better...
12 Feb 07: I know...I need to write more! All I can say for a lame excuse is that I have, literally, been gone almost constantly this past year. Each time I come home, it is but for a few weeks at a time. I get so busy with all of my requirements that I forget to take the time to update my journal. Everything is excellent and no drama to be had. It's both good and bad in some ways to be completely healthy. It seems that, when you're sick, you reflect on your faith and babble on about how God has a plan for you and your faith will carry you through. When you're healthy as a horse, you don't even stop and thank HIM for bestowing these many blessings upon you. I never forget how lucky I am and how absolutely precious life is to us. If you forget that, you've lost the war even though you won the many battles. Everyone should stop from time to time and reflect on how wonderful life can be when you "live" it. Many people forget to "live" when they are alive. Ken Tatum's words ring so true when you take a look at your life and your faith. If you take stock in your faith, your "portfolio" will always bear fruit! Thanks Ken, I miss listening to you. I still see Ken and Dan Staley in my thoughts and hope my life serves a bigger purpose. I am so fortunate to have met these wonderful men and shared just a moment of their lives. I try to live my life with each of them in my heart and in my thoughts, knowing that they live on in spirit. Together, the three of us can make a difference...as always, tomorrow will be better...
18 Aug 07: Again, too long since I have updated this. I guess the reason is there isn't anything to update! That's always good news. I have another blood test this week so I suppose there will finally be two updates this month. I am feeling totally normal and I am not taking any medication. Life is pretty much completely normal. I can still remember being sick and thinking "when will I ever feel normal again?" My answer is to always remember that everything is merely a snapshot in time. When things are good, it seems time flies by. When things are rough, you seem to notice every second of every day. My only advice is to always remember that time is constant and trying times will pass. Leave your physical well being to the doctors and your spiritual well being to God. Not much else you can do other than LIVE LIFE! So many of us get so busy that we forget to live. I heard a quote the other day on the TV show "House" that I thought range so true. A girl was dying and the doctors were talking. Dr House made a smart comment about how he had time. The other doctor said "She may live longer than you". That got me thinking that we never know when it's out "time". If we forget to truly live, then what was it all about. We waste so much time and forget how truly lucky we are and how blessed we are. Go for a walk, do a good deed, help someone else. Get out of your hospital bed and make a difference in someone's life. Mach Tatum did this for me and that made a difference. If you make a difference, you are never gone. Mach lives on in all of us and each of us should follow his example. Be strong, have faith and make a difference! As always, tomorrow will be better...
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